Jokes and humor page

Too much doubt with extra jelly and donut in the diet

2011-06-15T11:47:00.001-04:00

How to lose weight systems and books out there teach people how to shed pounds fast. This usually results in a more easy way than sweating weight off. Craving too many snacks with sugar like donuts (jelly included) doesn't help at all. This causes the butt to take the shape of a barn. Also turns out to develop stretch marks around the stomach's waist line.

Finding clothes that fit become a problem. When they rip into with the elastic worn out then a person knows it's high time to make changes. Eliminating the donuts is key with the rest of the fatty foods. That will make a substantial difference. Then the next time the really overweight do jumping jacks there won't be any cracks made in the floor. Slimming down will be fine by reducing food portions with the exercise instead of showing up at a pool being mistook for a whale.

Passive stupidity with drivers

2011-04-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

Over aggressive drivers have to be the most passive stupid idiots on the road. A person can never get them to stop or yield to anything right. Most of the time their property isn't worth the value they whine about each time they experience a fender bender. If only they can get knocked off the road with their license revoked for their useless stupid freaking time being reckless.

The difference between dummies and phonies

2011-04-02T11:02:00.000-04:00

Simply amazes good people how dummies can get in the way with progress and even to be so one track such as phonies. The undeniable difference is a dummy is likely not to listen after a second time to screw things up unlike a phony who is not generally prone to uncomprehension yet accepts messing up as if they believe to achieve on everything going beyond idiotic. Whether it causes an injury or not the phonies also can care less about everyone else important.

The Good out from the Goodwill: no more into economical thrill

2011-03-27T11:15:00.000-04:00

The bets are in as usual yet off for several people. The gloves have to come off America. Predictions for scores can't just be placed all over. Time to start spending again as normal. There is no need for the lack in it with good people and decisions driven away from good-will. The best has yet to surface. How much can a participant put up on the market today to lose within 5 minutes? Seems like the options keep on growing there.

The quick as can be approach takes away from classic time and confrontations. Americans must believe at some point they have to accept going broke. The same goes for winning and losing. The people who stop buying in the economy altogether drive everyone good nuts! The ambition isn't there for much of everything. Forget outrageous time in loans and trade, just put it back in the darn economical system. Otherwise it's a crapshoot for complete failure. I know for sure I wouldn't put up a home for a sakes at a win, lose, or draw outcome.

The fluctation of unbelievable weather: hot air for nothing

2011-03-14T17:36:00.004-04:00

The turn with weather patterns get uncertain. Through the gradual build up with the storm tracking it's unclear with the douches making hot air so current standing. No way to have overflow with water with extra nuts here and there moving to nothing important in a record breaking economy outdoors. Throw in all the unseen public enemies and it's a case not close to working with a total coverage with fast wind and towering rain. The effect gets to be phony from the other side of everything.

Throw in all the time into doplar radar and still it doesn't come close to the real time effect. Surely cold as ice doesn't appeal to March turnout as if the Madness remains supreme. A burden doesn't take hold on it all especially when a crap shoot is eliminated. Highly unfavorable won't be the down end from the South to the North. A work in progress can't be with a chance in foul interruption. Just like a receiver on the National broadcast it's got cheap, ineffective and has to reach a complete shutdown. That's make it natural.

Below Middle-Class: a hobbled mess on the financial brink

2010-12-09T05:31:00.005-05:00

Lackluster as it gets these days is Middle-Class laziness with pure poor quality. As it stands for nothing then it falls for everything. Managing nothing with a organization running without profit is idiotic. Complete chaos can happen and not a main stabilized effort comes a old broken Middle-Class group. It's a train wreck waiting to happen when gets so intolerable careless with cheap disregard for everything else. It's like a stock market crash without wheels.

Simpsons animation wacky, still wonderful in moral messages

2010-09-24T15:48:00.004-04:00

Since the new episodes the Simpson TV show brings in new ways to display morals against proverbial hellish situations. It's not like a kid trying to steal in a candy store by any means. Bart Simpson is always at it as the mischievous one who never seems to grow up. Entering a church he sees enough of the Christian discipline I'm sure. Allowing too much unruly ways in Springfield doesn't help the main community people especially the children. The Sign of the Dragon somewhere holy doesn't shake too many if it's fake and full of hot air.

Tremendous layouts go into these animations with hints for later development in U.S. Culture so to speak. Whether it's a family portrayal or unwanted presence the young in the town aren't amused. They don't throw caution to the wind, it's the adults on that point. In society usually if a person doesn't go by the rules they get caught in a main conflict with all negative focus on them. This goes especially for people who conduct illegal activities and are known for being loud-mouths and posers. Children as well as the most loyal have to shake their heads. They have to walk away from at times and exclaim, "I'm glad not to be in this pure hell with these foolish citizens."

Online shipping and crammed packaging delivery

2010-08-05T12:21:00.006-04:00

Shipping online isn't great when it's at an alarming rate in volume. Trying to ship a huge supply of foods to Korea with a mixture of sports equipment international isn't a wise move. It doesn't work too well when it's too heavy. Not properly packaging supplies is bad too. It creates the idea items will fall out of a box and land on the ground as if they were being air mailed without being secured right through shipping. The same goes for any idiots who try to save costs by shipping themselves in a regulation box to reach a travel destination. Complete craziness.

World Cup Soccer shennigans

2010-07-13T09:57:00.007-04:00

The World Cup is in sight for one lucky team. Before that happens the bon-mots, physical collisons, and everything foolish will take precedence. Before an announcer can holler, Goooooooaaal, soccer players will slam into barracks and make knee-knocking manuevers on the field which will cause bodily flareups if not serious injuries. The craziest part of the action is when the wild fans hit the field and start throwing crap everything. They might butt heads and did reverse backwards kicks into each other until the World Cup Finals. Just wait into the Spainish get into the act!

The shady online medicine scam

2010-07-06T12:35:00.006-04:00

So much is put into information technology. Taking financial information for granted in a databsse isn't smart. The scam artists which align one part of a network to another have a few tricks up their sleeves. I believe they have enough to do with the unsafe online medicine distribution. As a person in need how do you know you're receiving what you paid for anyways? These sometimes illegal practices can have more than their ill side effects. Taking a human Growth hormone rather than the Zoloft needed can mess up the body.

To counter balance bad decisions would be to get rid of account information online and go get prescriptions in person filled. Other scams are these win a mega million promotions scattered throughout the Internet. These hidden company reps want all this information upfront then you never anything legit from them. It's too risky to deal with. A good option here when receiving mass solicitations is to response with a strong threatening letter. That ought to take care of their bothersome ways.

Today's joke about religion

2010-06-29T10:55:00.006-04:00

It's hard to meet up with deeply religious people in the evening. Like for instance trying to go to a restaurant for dinner. Let's say a Methodist, Baptist, Jew, and atheist end up meeting for a meal. The problem isn't with their religious beliefs yet who will be the most cooperative. Sure the Jew will be prompt at the restaurant, be willing to see you on Sunday, but will not pay for the meal. Everyone present know the Jew is too cheap. Of the others the atheist will have to pay the tip as no one actually wanted to invite him or her in the first place. That as well as that person didn't greet anyone in the church with kindness for a while.

Postings on twitter, rare findings of nonsense and news

2010-06-22T17:31:00.009-04:00

The social networking has took prominent stage over everything online practically. Going these web pages such as twitter a person can darn near almost anything. I'm sure under searches there will be such areas such as "American dumbest pranks, sports bloopers, office mishaps and firings, odd smells with evidence, and historic events. The worse of it is problem categories which no one needs to know about. Visiting such updated network sites too often can have it's downsides. An information overload for one.

Where these new age hipsters online go wrong is getting into private situations. If it's related to entertainment then it's too personal. I've heard about known diseases yet pushing it too far is not right: where and when with direct footage which is unflattering doesn't help a famous person. Covering a historic event must be interesting. The video for that is good unless it's a hurricane developing or a volcano which causes fatalities. Going for the hottest and latest news works. Twitter is nice yet I'd just as soon be satisfied checking yahoo.

Sleep loss for a nartcoleptic: have a nap before bed

2010-06-16T11:25:00.008-04:00

I don't get parts of the health care industry. I've had my sleepless nights. That's goes without saying that's not agreeable with bad service for unhealthy people. Certain can take medication, others cause their own problems for all that's known. How a person who's nartcoleptic can handle it is simple usually. They won't have any need for sleep meds and will save money and time. The issue is who can get them to pay attention if they decide to drive a car. In the middle of the night I wouldn't dare encourage them.

Seeing lazy health care service isn't anything an American can favor. Not in preparing the right nutrition and health plans for patients is still wrong. A narcoleptic can find himself in a hospital for a while then disoriented in another imaginative place where pixies and fairies roam without delay. Pills, mental blockages, fuming, and medicine prescriptions thrust upon Americans isn't a good ideas when all mixed together. Getting patients time to catch their breath is needed first.

I'd disagree with 80% of the routine procedures done for the sleeping deprived in medical facilities. Why? It gives them time to fall alsleep (That or listen...to a senile doctor for over 30 minutes). I can't plan on health insurance if I'm not in line to receive it. Toying with the idea for unhealthy people isn't wise. Giving the proper accord and care is due. No one ought to be at a loss for sleep every week. If needed they can tune in to the world news report, if not that the infomericals late at night. That's my spill for the day!

Religion and realism: what's the difference?

2010-05-06T11:48:00.008-04:00

After 2009 Americans faced a setback, the economy declining still. What estimations which were made are unclear to me. I know as a believer in Christ that good time goes generally with good faith. What others don't get in the U.S. who think otherwise and don't comprehend that religion has to be realistic. Leads a person of faith to fall off schedule. Plus you might be seen as a lazy person by arriving at work late. Preachers and teachers don't know how to get the messages across when the wrong morons are getting in the way then you have the unfaithful ones who slip by sometimes at the church. Loud-mouthed Americans who don't contribute to the economy with blasphemous intentions have no room to talk.

When it comes to the system either you keep it running or slow it down by f--king it up with errors. As far as the faith system I'm not sure about. If I could travel at light speed what a day to make of it to see good changes! When adding too much weight and noise in a southern part of the hemisphere with distractions galore it's difficult to be a steady believer especially if you deal with too many delays from unexpected a--holes. Then you have to talk to Christians. Not always the most pleasant experience under heavy pressure.

They may ask when will you be joining us? The response: whenever I can make it out okay, I'm not ready yet to make a commitment (Too many hassles right now). The good part to hear about concerning new age real religion is the church bells can be ringing still and there will be singing. The problem sometimes Christians have is focus when not having too many old nuts in the way with a dire time to meet to form a coalition. Then they can spread more than goodwill. With that in regard only can hope pestilence with too many parasites won't be a major problem.

American travel: how long does it freaking take?

2009-08-18T13:02:00.030-04:00

The age old question of are we there yet doesn't pertain to very many these days. Nobody freaking likes to travel too far away. I'm tired of the American way being I'm too lazy, fat, or make a thousand excuses not to take a trip. Too many years I've listened to nonsense agendas and lies from others because quite frankly it was too much effort and money involved. When it's a time to relax the main travelers like to whine when things don't go according to their plans.

Family vacations aren't what they used to be at all. Nobody seldom like to compromise much. It's always about how fat when can be lounging around then annoying the others who have energy and seem to joy out of activities with others. Instead of casually getting out and about others choose to lay by the pool and squash all the damn water out by jumping off the darn diving board nearly breaking it into. I can't understand how selfish lethargic tourists can be and act like it's nothing later to be once routine and eat at restaurants. There they shell it out for dinner then bitch and moan about sharing money with others for personal needs.

Such hazy ass behavior is one of the dumbest when it comes to traveling these days. Whether we can deck on responsibilities then lie to people about hotel reservations, expecting only the royal best when they know they have to take what's less drive young people crazy. All the limitations hurt chances for those who want enjoyment and maybe a tad excitement on trips. If conventional wisdom works worth a damn just maybe we all could have the perfect f--king getaways. That's why reality sets in to older individuals as they realize they've screwed up plans big time. So much for a pleasant ass trip!

Economically speaking Americans are screwed now

2009-07-02T13:05:00.012-04:00

With numbers such as $300 trillion debt for the government or more show up in the news I get kinda of worried myself about the future. Now with Parliament rolling along as usual messing up too many funding sources with no real good results the time is of the essence. The former Presidential Administration sure knew one thing was going to happen after 2004: they surely f--ked it up big time so let's play cover up as long as possible and then back peddle our asses. Why did Americans assume the economy will remain okay with the spewing crap spouted by government officials?

I've never trusted politics and probably never will fully for the rest of my life. With the right people in positions within oh...the White House new policies I guess can be set with focus on improving the nation as a whole. Too many witless wonders have procrastinated, tarnished the Constitution, and horsesh*ted their way to fat ass salaries. Too many questionable practices have occurred over several years for culprits still hanging around up to the same old shit as usual.

Which it comes to defying logic Congress among other morons have hit it straight on the head. Which means to me if we can't screw it up enough than let's pretend the situation will progress for Americans. For lying politicians to address the public with sheer nonchalant behavior and utter stupidity will never help bring forth righteous change. For thing will remain as gold: realism will never be extincted.

Passive-agressive drivers

2009-06-19T14:18:00.003-04:00

It's one thing to be upset while driving on the road yet it's another to have road rage. Now when motorists on the great American highway can't make up their damn minds which way to go it's a constant struggle for supremacy over right of sanity. Pretty much everyone else who are defensive drivers are the innocent victims. They have to make split-second decisions whether to yield or get the hell out of dodge.

Atheism: The root of stupidity

2009-06-11T12:04:00.021-04:00

During years where clearly the economy is suffering with a downward spiral society has it's share of problems. Religion is only one issue. When different factions jump into a poor social environment all hell can eventually break loose. I know the government can't manage anything worth a shit because there is too much turmoil to say the least within that realm. These days there are too many different idiotic social classes that exist with so much focus placed on greed, selfishness, and ultimate ignorance.

Whether you're a politician or a child star from yester year people today can't make up their damn minds about one thing: how to undermine each other. Usually in a decade such as the 90's all was okay within relationships for the most part. Now it's how can people get ahead of each other by the most conniving means or be lazy as hell to feed off others to steal not only their time, but sometimes almost their mind. The only functioning part of actual class I chose to go with now is realism based with a Chrisitian background and it's not concerning being rich, but life sure can be a bitch. Within a social or religious setting there are too many self-righteous pieces of garbage who think they can rule the world.

As far as I'm concerned no one can control my free will or always dampen my spirit with mindless practices such Scientology. Why do morons today believe they are always no. 1? Everyone wants an easy route to fame or success. I know damn well opportunities are lost based on economic conditions yet when everyone worries themselves to death nothing positive much gets accomplished. Eventually Judgment Day will be unveiled, nevertheless it's a long ways off despite popular belief mainly in fear and stupidity.

Health regulation problem in schools

2009-02-11T13:23:00.010-05:00

There were those days at schools where the lunch special lead to pure uncertainty. Such meals as "Mystery Meat" Tuesdays or "Salisbury Surprise" on Thursdays aren't healthy for students. I mean it's horrible for foods to be contaminated by having salmonella or containing lead from a fork due to carelessness, but no one ever reveals the real hidden ingredient until a disease spreads and a lawsuit arises. Despite all that cafeteria workers think it's still acceptable to leave stray hairs in lunches.

Stupid online polls about Paris Hilton

2009-01-31T13:58:00.018-05:00

Why in the world are these news-related websites wasting their time still glorifying famous morons? This is truly senseless when medical breakthroughs, national issues urging strong opinions, and real breaking news like ice storms are far more important. At this point pretty much everyone is tired of hearing about celebrities such as Paris Hilton (definitely me). If she contacted the West Nile virus that would be different rather than the assumed random STD or herpes. Leave it to the staff at CNN to post a darn poll about the hotel heiress, wondering about her intelligence...come on is this worth the journalistic effort?

I know so much focus is placed on the entertainment industry yet it can't be triggered more to celebs' accomplishments and grievances. Oh, that's right such news press doesn't lead to big money. What was I thinking there? These news networks could get away from this ridiculous infotainment proliferation. Then again what would such juicy entertainment news be without catching a famous personality without wearing panties for a prized photo op or how they slammed a camera to the ground because an asshole invaded too much of their personal space.

At this point not hearing about anyone named Paris Hilton would be a nice break from the usual fixations for love interests in the dating pool or who's been arrested for irrelevant matters
in the Biz within the last week. Way to keep the pertinent real-time news rolling 24-hour cable networks!

Barack Obama Inauguration: historical yet too 'fanatical'

2009-01-23T11:41:00.018-05:00

With the new President, Barack Obama now finally in office hell has yet to freeze over. I sure didn't expect anything horrible to go wrong, but as usual the opposing voices from afar want to be negative buttholes. Most Republicans didn't want him to be President. To think America has elected the first ever Black President, the nation's 44th is astounding. This only adds to America's rich history. Okay, I didn't see all the Inauguration yet knew much tireless work, preparation, and money went into the monumental event. Having a series of musical performers added to the entertainment in Washington D.C. From highlights viewing a sea of humanity outside in freezing weather showed there was a ton support to back the new President and much need for hot cocoa.

What bothers me already is the fact people are wasting no time at profiting off the history-making Inauguration by selling DVD copies. Why in the hell is this so important already? Give it at least a few freaking weeks before jumping on the marketing express! I think too many Americans got caught up in the excitement, missing the main point behind why a new leader in Washington D.C. is needed. Just thinking about the issues plaguing the U.S. gives me a headache. I hope Obama is stocked up on Advil, aspirins, and vitamin pills in the White House. I'm pretty sure he'll need them in his first year in office. He's the type of man who wants to strive for a better future and bring forth positive changes. The distractions with fund requests, proposals, and debacles in the Senate may eat up too much of the President's time.

Yes, the fanatical presence exists big time among certain Obama supporters. Which in turn poses a risk: too many whipped into a frenzy unable to stay on the same page. With that aside the challenging days ahead will take their toll on the new Administration. The economic crisis is the top priority for the time being. The rising unemployment rates with higher cost of living is what is hurting Americans the most. That's why President Obama is already got to work on a stimulus package to begin around mid-February. I personally say the heck with the automobile industries for now as well as useless funding in other areas (ex. Leeman Brothers, Merrill Lynch). The companies have already pissed away such money supposed to be used in relief to save their asses on parties. I'm sure President Obama will sway away from such unintelligent tactics.

Concentrating on the fine points to lift the economy while spurring growth to create jobs while igniting increased consumer spending is key. For the governmental process for effective change to run well a few new procedures are in order. To weed out troublemakers and lawbreakers I think Senate and House of Representatives' members who have committed considerable injustices are no longer needed around. Go ahead write a pink slip (or whatever is necessary), tell them to pack up their possessions and take a hike while not letting the door hit them on the way out. Too much bipartisan quarreling plus sneaky, illegal operations interfere all too often with all three branches of government running smoothly. Also, that whole majority vote for passing bills put a tamper on proper actions in the past. Look for that to change hopefully with President Obama now in office!

Media joke on losing weight

2009-01-16T12:24:00.007-05:00

Back at it again the media is concentrating on why Americans are so fat. When will the media see the big picture because it's one thing to be overweight due to excessive eating it's another to have the will power to put down a bag of potato chips or Doritos. Not everyone truly wants to drop weight. In other words, it's like examining two types of people who go the gym: those who work out to boost their energy and shed pounds while others may choose to go on a treadmill for a few minutes then sit at a bench eating a few candy bars for self-indulgence.

South Park creators may take flying leap in own assinine frame of mind

2009-01-06T12:07:00.017-05:00

Apparently, the two alleged writing geniuses who started that once assumed comedy children show were not right by the book. This is why their ratings have dropped quite a bit in recent weeks because they've turned to blasphemous works which defy logic. This means a character which is synonymous with the show, a rotund example of what's wrong with kids' eating habits can never stop cursing. The other one known as Kenny won't stop dying while the two writers for the show seem to be at wits end and can't stop crying. In turn such stupidity on television is why children or teenagers have negative influences nearby which serve as a mindless distractions. What a shame to have quality programming at times on Comedy Central interfered with shit and crap from those within the South Park realm.

Basically, this sorry excuse for a comedy-animated show is full of shit because it displays no good morals or family values while the humor is more than weak at times. So take that and shove it up your assholes for those who believe in this type of deluded behavior on the air. If I personally had a dollar every time one of those rotten, deplorable characters used a profanity such a way to amuse children pretty much 80-90% of the time I'd be a freaking millionaire! Fat chance at that for me, but sometimes things in life work out in the end for the very best. In accordance to good wholesome sanity viewers might as well decide what's right for them and the younger ones sometimes are lead to believe this type of garbage is okay.

After not even paying attention to this burnt out, long-time running f--ked show I know in my heart what they're doing is wrong. By the way, if the TV show's creators don't like it they can personally kiss my ass when I finally arrive back in New York for my second visit. Whenever that may be my quality of life will be improved knowing those shitholes will eventually be off the freaking air! Such repartee language is to illustrate the error of their ways. I don't encourage such profanity, but when it's necessary to fight for what's right than so be it. In return for their gracious lies and brain-washing of kids go ahead and do the right thing for that show to be canceled as a final amends to Comedy Central viewers who in believe in Christ!

Spelling mishaps for dummies

2008-12-03T12:31:00.013-05:00

Writing a promotion for a new business can be challenging and if a owner has problems with spelling and grammar having another keen eye around is a good idea. Otherwise a headline won't read, "Hoe Seller Grand Opening, see our lowest pisces."

When it comes to Internet forums leaving that empathic feedback for a website can be tough when an angry comment needs to be made. Instead of getting mixed up with how to spell a word a person can just keep a message simple. Such can be, 'I disagree and don't like what you have to offer rather than you ar dum and don't heave a brian when it comme to customer service.

Books for dummies would help tremendously more than likely when it comes to writing research papers. However, if a student doesn't understand what plagiarism is then there will be a major issue. When looking up resources and noting author's name it's a good rule of thumb to make sure these are noted correctly. Heaven forbid a student finds something on Edgar Allen Poe and lazily jots down Ellen A. Po or crossing another name listing it as Ima Gay. Those types of critical errors 9 times out 10 won't result in a good grade. If that is the case have someone else write the darn paper.

Doogie Houser M.D. meets HMOs from hell

2008-11-23T22:49:00.006-05:00

That old TV show from yesteryear known as "Doogie Houser" sure was a hit in it's heyday. Neil Patrick Harris made headwaves as a teenage doctor who amazingly knew how to operate on patients and never managed to kill anyone. That was the quite the intriguing element to the show's success along with a kid who knew all the answers in the medical field yet need help when it came to repairing a bicycle (Okay, Doogie wasn't good with his hands in that regard). As I recall one episode required the prodigy doctor to deliver a baby for the first time. He was scared to wits end, but managed a successful delivery. Now compare his career then from what it would be like now.

Being a doctor in an HMO today wouldn't bring out the best in him. Due to BS medical policies patients would drop like flies left and right. Sure Houser would like to help them in their dire time of need yet would be forced to pull the plug from their oxygen tanks and feeding tubes. With so much malpractices and lack of concern for human life these HMOs would more than likely let equipment and facility maintenance go to pot before saving lives. That's right cutting back on the budget takes top priority while covering up medical records with blotched surgeries just barely able to avoid lawsuits. The normal, intelligent and kind hearted Doogie Houser in this case would be lowered into a deceptive, irresponsible practitioner who lived in denials about screw-ups on the job yet was filthy rich. That would be the day....a Doogie Houser being a real a--hole!

Too early for Christmas songs

2008-11-16T21:54:00.004-05:00

Every year Christmas music is being pushed on people earlier and earlier. Before even reaching Thanksgiving the all too familiar sounds are being blasted from overhead speakers in stores. The radio is even worse because nobody cares to hear the same f--king holiday jingle 10 times within an hour. If someone has the misfortune of being stuck inside their car while a relative or friend decides to Christmas shop in early November that person may freeze their ass off though be able to listen to the endless stream of repetitive holiday crap on the radio. Why can't average Americans enjoy their day through usual hassles and struggles leading up to the X-Mas rather being bombarded with holiday music?

I'd just as soon as jump off a bridge than hear "Noelle or Silent Night" to the point of insanity. Heck after enduring so much the clattering of construction work seems like a favorable break this rampant music. Going to shopping malls in November is a real b*--& too! No matter what department you roam in the classic songs come out of the woodwork blaring. They only grow louder and more annoying as a desperate shopper searches for an exit to no avail. To make matters the worst sales people get in your path and advise buying overpriced crap because they feel your family will just love it. 9 times out 10 family members wouldn't even care to wipe their ass with the item. Holiday jingles need to wait to a week or two prior to Christmas. Such noise abuse is pushing the boundaries too far.

Alec Baldwin SNL flashback: Oh, sweet Canteen Boy

2008-11-07T13:33:00.009-05:00

Alec Baldwin's career includes a variety of paths. From movies to TV he's known to be a class act. I haven't seen him in his executive portrayal on the hit series, 30 Rock or select film projects such as Running With Scissors. However, I will never forget one of his classic SNL moments where he played a gay scoutmaster who was infatuated with a young, innocent cub scout known as 'Canteen Boy.' Baldwin sure had no reservations about holding back in this comedic sketch nor covering up his body. Seeing Adam Sandler and him that up close and personal together sure would make a gay man watching on in anticipation itch for male-on-male body contact.

The setting was typical for such a secret yet uncomfortable encounter. Sitting beside one another alone in the great outdoors made it was even more hysterical when Baldwin asks Canteen to rub oil on his chest. Displaying a rugged yet gentle side the Scoutmaster nestles up to his no. 1 favorite pupil while brushing his stubbled chin against the confused boy. If Baldwin would have took his pants off in that scene it may have gotten too racy for the networks yet prompted even more laughter from the audience. Out of his numerous appearances as host on SNL the Canteen Boy sketch probably became Baldwin's most memorable along with the 'Pete Sweaty Balls' sketch.

All those forms of body language and sexual tone of voice really made priests who wanted to keep a secret squirm at the sight of it all. Adam Sandler for once (which hardly ever happens) plays the straight role when doing his best not to bust out laughing. This is type of humor of stayed with him as he later chose to star in the movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. I'd like to see Alec Baldwin go back to these controversial acting roles. As long as he doesn't agree to any full frontal or backside exposure then it would be cool to watch. The days of his good sketch comedy may be over, but how can anyone forget 'Canteen Boy.'

Get Rich quick scheme

2008-11-01T23:44:00.005-04:00

When finding out about a supposedly one in a lifetime investment to get rich the average person usually who bites is suckered in a heart beat. Those who are alerted to such future fortunes are excited and can't wait to jump in with both feet. Sure after having all the tales to secrets of success with the extragant lifestyle which follows it seems enticing. After being guided through a group of steps to be on your way to finanical freedom, it appears that finally good news has surfaced. Then the income figures are rattled off making it all so worthwhile...until the alleged slick business guru who introduced this business plan is no where to be found a day later and you're screwed out of $250 as an upfront initial fee then hit for f--- $149.99 each month thereafter. Turns out to one hell of a raw deal.

John McCain: Old man River war routine getting lame

2008-10-25T23:47:00.010-04:00

Listening to the same spill each week from Senator John McCain has become tiresome. At his age the sooner the election the better. I mean there isn't much difference between hearing an old War story from a proud veteran who happens to have Alzheimer's. The only hope each time the story is rehashed is that the old timer telling it will get woozy and fall asleep. The problem with McCain is he just keeps talking then wanders around contemplating how he's going to bring up another point about his war record to gain approval and where he put his darn muscle-relaxer pills. The way the aging politician smiles during speeches one would think he was just let out of a nursing home for lunch.

Seeing too much of his usual bait 'em and twist words technique is annoying yet shows his memory is still functioning. On the other hand, I don't feel good about him having with his hand near the red military button in the White House. Suppose he keels over and accidentally hits it...what a disaster that would cause. Of course it's not like the War America is in now has a time table or is helping the crippling economy. For McCain to draw interest with his campaign from young people, to try to be hip he brought in that Palin woman. Her alleged down-to-earth folksy nature doesn't make up for her lack of intelligence and experience.

I know the Senator wants to feel young again (don't even think about Viagra) and live longer. Forget about all this talk he pertains to freezing spending and markets and 'freeze' him up in a block of ice for preservation. That ought to get him at least through the Depression the U.S. is on the verge of while everyone else endures. I'm sure Dick Cheney has an extra heart transplant available if needed to spare. McCain kind of worries me the way he tends to have memory laspes like stating he doesn't agree with the President yet voted with him the vast majority of the time. He kinds of reminds me of an old uncle that locks himself in out of a car and can't remember where he left the blasted keys until seeing them an hour or so later in the ignition.

As I've watched Old man McCain, hearing him repeat his 'record' and policy on fixing America nothing comes across as comforting. It's not at all similiar to a grandpa reading a child a smoothing bed time tale to invoke sleep yet more so a unconvincing proclamation with great potential for nightmarish catastrophes. When he uses his gritty combat crutch on stopping terrorism it doesn't incite confidence to potential voters when they believe he won't be alive if another attack happens anyway. With honor and respect for his service in the military aside having him not suffer from prostrate cancer or arthritis will be more on voters' minds as an important factor to consider. What good will it do trying to pass bills when he can't even grip a pen to write his signature on a document. If he gets sick it's not like Palin will nurse him back to health or stick an IV in him in order to make it to a press conference. Yeah, the Old Man River routine for McCain just isn't going to cut it.

Yum Kippur in New York

2008-10-12T00:07:00.006-04:00

I got a chance to visit the Big Apple last year around the fall and got a first hand experience of what it's like during a Jewish holiday weekend. Okay, there were several other events going on too: President Bush was in town for a meeting with the United Nations, the Sex and the City movie was being filmed along Park Avenue, and as expected the street performers offered their unique talents (mainly hustling people to buy crap or give donations). Still this weekend just so happened to fall on the bestowed holiday Yum Kippur. In effect the Jews came out in droves with thousands of New Yorkers and several tour groups, making walking around Times Square and Lower Manhattan a personal challenge. When taxi drivers' began honking their horns then speeding up as pedestrians overflowed the street corners, walking straight ahead without precaution it made me a tad uncomfortable.

Chinatown was kinda an alternative break from the Jewish mixture flooding the main parts of the city and from St. Patrick's Cathedral where everyone seemed to go for serious soul searching with prayers or just to dodge the heavy traffic outside for a while. If you didn't have an interest in the Jewish culture (Oy vey) or wanted to learn about their traditions then being smothered around the Chinese was a fairly nice secondary escape. Then again I bet a horse would have a hell of a time getting out of Chinatown. Too many food vendors, souvenirs setups, and people coming from both directions halt any progress. The best part about going there though is the Chinese don't pressure you buy anything (yet will stare a hole through you if browsing for too long...tests their patience). It's amazing how tourists can go to the marketplace there and the fish and lobster smell like they've just go from the seaport (or straight from the bottom of a trough).

With the Jews covering a higher demographic of the population during the holiday it makes seeing a Broadway Play or dining out a real inconvenience (so is getting mugged in Central Park...didn't happen to me though...not yet anyway). Flooding the main areas of Manhattan with Yum Kippur thrown into the mix one who is a tourist would think an 'anything goes' marathon is underway where participants do whatever it takes to make their way through a crowd. Whether this is stepping on feet, elbowing others without looking, rushing towards late night traffic to cross the street without the slightest concern, sauntering around in a clockwise motion yet moving forward somehow, and my personal favorite the 'I don't give flying f--- which way you're going just get the hell out of my way' fast-paced fury walk. Dealing with all that I think it will be best if my next trip to New York isn't on any holiday, Jewish or not.

O.J. finally faces the music...justice at last!

2008-10-04T20:21:00.013-04:00

This time crooked tactics and shady legal representation didn't save O.J. Simpson from getting away with multiple crimes. A 13-day trial concluded this weekend as the lights literally went out in the courtroom approaching 11 o'clock at night with a hung jury hell bent on finding the man known as the 'Juice' guilty as charged. Well, it's about time a notorious, vile celebrity got put in their place and face the real repercussions of their actions. I know people truly loathe O.J. especially the Goldmans and Brown family are glad to see justice served. In their eyes and many others it was long overdue. Nailed with robbery and kidnapping the former football player is expected to face the rest of his life in prison. You know when the verdict came in (the picture shown sums it up) O.J. couldn't believe his ears and was like, "Damn!!"

An amazing tidbit about the Las Vegas conviction is it occurred 13 years to the day he was acquitted of murder. How ironic is that? Even the judge was ready to wrap this baby up! She wasn't about to stand for any more stalling or deliberate attempts to prolong the trial. At this point even if you're a family member within the Simpson tree how can you feel sorry for him?

One way or another O.J. had this coming and found himself this time smack dab on the right side of the law. I wonder if Simpson really cares that much about the stolen memorabilia now. The trouble he went to, it just couldn't have been worth it. Throwing it up for sale sure won't get him a 'get out of jail' card. Not much he can cherish or do with the remnants stuck singing the blues in the slammer! After the lights went out in the courtroom that case was in the books...and with a sigh of relief no one got stabbed. Hooray, hooray justice got served!

Samuel L. Jackson, still one bad mamma jammer

2008-09-20T20:37:00.019-04:00

Seeing the recent preview on the new release, 'Lakeview Terrace' one can only decipher that by Sam Jackson's demeanor he means serious business. Usually the veteran actor is seen on the big screen portraying police investigators, FBI agents, or strong-willed coaches with intense action sequences. Most actors can't hold a candle to Jackson's talent when it comes to delivering awesome fight scenes or spots with suspense. In this new movie unlike his normal characters he plays a villain. In fact he plays the next-door neighbor most people fear. Rightfully so, since Jackson's character looms around brushes and windows, glaring at his new neighbors in concern for the protection of his children.

From a viewer's vantage point his character appears to be a mysterious, psychologically-centered threatening man. In actuality he is cautious, aware of his surroundings with a keen eye...and ready to kick ass at a minute's notice! I like it when Jackson gets so worked up that he starts yelling and putting people in their place. This is when he's at his best. In 'Lake View Terrace' he has the ability to scare the living sh*t out of movie goers. Just imagine him as a short-fused, volatile and alert next-door neighbor. Wouldn't you be alarmed if he came outside in a robe and slippers with a shotgun locked and loaded?

I can picture it now, "HEY, DIDN'T I TELL YA TO KEEP YOUR DAMN DOG OFF MY PROPERTY! I'M TIRED OF CLEANING UP ALL THE SH*T IN MY YARD! AND IF I CATCH YOUR ROTTEN KIDS THROWING TRASH OVER HERE AGAIN I'M GONNA GET MY BELT AND WHIP THEIR ASS! SOMEBODY SURE AS HELL NEEDS TO SINCE YOU AREN'T. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TALKING TRASH SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH. DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!

Back in the Day: High School joke

2008-09-13T23:52:00.005-04:00

Years ago schools were determined to influence students to stay in class and not drop out. Well, eventually it worked out according to plan where enrollment numbers were up. There was an old adage which developed around that time called, 'Be cool and stay in school.' The problem was teenagers got their hands too easily on drugs and guns. Sure they were in school, but got high as hell while others decided to go crazy and shoot up the place. So much for positive encouragement at that point.

Did you get that memo?

2008-09-06T21:24:00.007-04:00

If you work for a professional company usually in an office it's typical to receive reports or memos from management. The same issues are covered, reminding employees of lingering problems in the workplace. A hard-working staff member who's at the bottom of the totem poll is blamed for missing office supplies and sending anonymous hate emails to their boss because rumors are floating around, singling them out as the guilty party yet they're not responsible. Having team meetings after receiving a notice can be a real waste of time when the majority of the people attending it have nothing to do with the constant problems occurring. However, these innocent employees know good and well who is being referred to when upper management brings up how a copier is used inappropriately with no relation to having documents printed.

Seeing a fat employee always dipping into a candy dish, others always standing around talking, eating half a dozen donuts someone else brought in for everyone, and ripping stifling farts
throughout cubicles makes the decent, honest employees look bad. They're thrown into a group discussion which doesn't concern them. Calling a group of people on a job a team is stupid when only a few never miss a day at work and do all the leg work while the rest goof off, get away with a bunch of crap while pinning the blame on their trustworthy co-workers to avoid the repercussions of their own errors.

The bad apples will always deny and lie to avoid suspensions or termination. The next time a team meeting is scheduled yet an employee knows the root of a central ongoing problem they can speak up and say, "Looks like another pointless ass meeting is next week. I tell ya this that Tom is the one who's been going around and photocopying his fat ass and spreading it all over the damn building. I'm not taking the heat for it!

Sean 'Diddy' Combs' whining about gas prices a stupid publicity stunt

2008-08-30T14:28:00.008-04:00

Celebrities generally have many issues to be concerned with, but trust me gas prices for their private jets aren't one of them. This week rapper, Sean 'Diddy' (Dufus) Combs releases a you tube video at an airport complaining because he has to fly American Airlines instead of kicking back in his usual luxurious ride through the air. Geez, give me a break! This is a pointless, ignorant ass ploy for pity. Then he's got the nerve to request cheaper oil from Saudi Arabia. I guess driving his supped-up, phat Hummers and SUVs with earth-shaking hydraulics is too expensive to use either. Heres an idea Diddy: Stop buying this over commercialized, expensive sh*t and be economical for once.

It's mindless exploits like this that really depress poor people who are already down and out, living on the streets and don't even own a freaking TV! Why annoy everyone else pissing and moaning about a luxury you don't need? I bet he's more worried about that damn jet of his than supporting a charity or if one of his bodyguards gets shot. This guy is a being a selfish prick! He claims he needs to fly back and forth to L.A. to continue his acting career. Sure, he does one movie or so and thinks he's a major big shot. Well, I suppose Diddy expects the red carpet to be rolled out for his ass everywhere he travels. Too bad, just because you're rich doesn't mean everyone is going to cater to your every desire.

Hire a butler and maid, personal assistant maybe and learn to be satisfied. Most Americans can only dream of your lavish lifestyle and many will never obtain such fortune. Please stop with your petty whining when this country has far greater crisis to worry about such as electing a new President who is competent and can fix some of the mess ailing the economy. There are far more important things in life than perks (private jets, escort services, parties, Cadillacs, etc.) which money can never buy: respect, friendship, and integrity. You make too much damn money as it is so Diddy unless you have something meaningful or inspiring to say shut it! By the way those rap songs are pure crap, a true waste of a printing label.

Olympic Games satire

2008-08-16T16:49:00.012-04:00

Every time the Olympics come around I don't follow most of the events. People are way too obsessed with this Michael Phelps guy. Yeah, sure he's got a couple gold medals and set new records. If he wasn't so sleek, being kinda airo-dynamic his quick finish time in laps around the pool would be cut down significantly. That why it's not much of a contest. Put a bunch of 30-something guys with beer-bellies and hairy backs in this event and see what happens. I bet there will be record lows set. The same applies to other events in the Olympics as well.

Seeing these hulking participants in the shot put is amusing the way they twist their bodies around and heave the crap out of a round disc. I'm just waiting for at least one overconfident, jacked up guy to over do it and throw his back out as the neck veins bulge and fall to the ground in a exhausted heap. It may mark one of the few times a person has to be carried off the field in a stretcher.

The gymnastics has always looked to be a painful, embarrassing experience waiting to happen. These young girls flipping and twirling around in tights give me an uneasy feeling.

It's like having the fear of falling off a ladder and landing on your most tender parts. I can only imagine if a routine goes terribly wrong, resulting in a gymnast landing square on a pole with their legs spread out and never being able to have kids. Trainers can't save them at this point from their unexpected fate regarding overall points. Taking their attention off such an humilating performance isn't easy either being broadcasted on national television. Forget about a guy being involved because after such an devastating accident a long delay would ensue with the gymnast seen laying on the ground, holding his groin.

Another issue I don't get either is why Americans always want to harass the USA basketball team, thinking they can't hang with their foreign competitors. To take the pressure off them, why not let The Harlem Globe Trotters serve as replacements in the Olympics. Sure they may not play the best defense either, but every game would be filled with flashy, acrobatic plays and so much wacky dribbling it would make spectators' head swim. Plus they'd run their opponents ragged and make outrageous shots from half-court. That definitely creates more excitement to the Olympic Games. Participants can still have fun even though they'd face greater challenges. Besides it's not like the U.S. is going to capture gold medals in each event. I think to spice up the Olympics there needs to be a pizza or hoagie eating contest added. That way the skill of being a fast eater will finally be given merit among the others based primarily on strength, coordination, agility, and flexibility.

Business gimmicks involving free car washes

2008-08-09T18:15:00.007-04:00

Too many times starting a new business or finding a way to gain a volume customer base leads to bad gimmicks. Such pertain to allege exclusive discount blowouts, one-day only clearance sales, and midnight madness sales. The whole problem connected with these special promotions are expecting potential customers to impulsive shoppers and rush out at a minute's notice. Such gimmicks happening in the summer involve promotions with free car washes. The product could be a vacation package to the Caribbean or complimentary offered for attending a online business seminar scams. With either the one the freebie has nothing to do with the product or service advertised.

It's like a cellphone provider misleading customers into thinking they're getting a good deal by providing a free storage bag and a car wash by purchasing a phone today. The catch is the other choices are 2 types of cellphones, both which cost at least $150 and actually come with $45 monthly service charges and $100 activation fee which is discovered after reading the fine print. How does a car wash make up for being ripped off or have anything to do with cellphones? Maybe it would work with buying new tires or tied to a customization with a car. It's amazing how companies believe when it's hot people will enjoy a good car wash by using young chicks in tight bikinis to hold up signs and shake their body to entice people. Usually it works too sometimes guys to drive off the road and have wrecks.

I thought the gimmick only seemed legitimate back in the 50's and 60's at old-fashioned burger joints or filling stations when everybody received complimentary car service for getting a full tank of gas or purchasing a meal. It's not like you can expect that now. To be able to pull into a place like Sheets, find an empty gas pump without anyone fighting you over and not waiting in a long ass line means you come out okay. This goes without saying not having to deal with being mugged outside or be caught in a hold up inside. Yes, the car wax gimmick is nice on a hot, summer day, but if it's extended as part of a random business scheme then forget about it. I'll just do it myself.

Remembering Steve Urkel: Famous 90's TV nerd

2008-08-02T14:40:00.009-04:00

The infamous words, "Anybody got any CHEESE!" is a hallmark TV show one-liner ingrained in my mind. For a period spanning a decade the show Family Matters has been off the air. The nerdy, annoying next-door neighbor Steve Urkel though isn't forgotten. His obnoxious laughs and clumsily behavior made him a adored, popular TV character. He'd always bug the crap out of the Winslows every chance he got and seemed to have a craving for cheese rather than cutting it at opportune moments. In endless pursuit of Carl Winslow's daughter, Laura the geeky teen tried everything to gain her affection, but most of the time failed miserably. He'd want to be pals with her brother Eddie, who tended to take advantage of Steve's generosity and good nature.

Growing up watching the show one of the my favorite episodes involved Steve creating a time machine and going into the future to become his alter-ego which actually was the real life Jaleel White. Unlike Urkel though the new Steve was smooth, light off his feet on the dance floor, and could sweet talk the ladies especially Laura. The best part was after a while the Winslows got tired of the new Steve's attitude and wanted Urkel back despite all the nuisances and blunders he caused in their life. They knew he was a screw-up and generally embarrassed whenever they were in public together yet they still liked him. What is the wacky Urkel up these days?

The latest projects Jaleel White has been active with is a few short TV roles, one in Boston Legal, a couple movie credits, and has done voice-over work. He still lives California and is known to hoop it up on occasion on the basketball court. Can Urkel still dunk the ball? I mean Jaleel...I only see the skinny kid in suspenders with oversized glasses. I'm pretty sure he'd rule the court in a celebrity charity basketball event. For a while there was rumor surfacing claiming he had died, but glad to hear he's still around, involved in projects within the entertainment industry. However, I miss the uncoordinated, goofy yet smart, friendly neighborhood klutz who caused accidents and said, "Did I doooo THAT!!

Con-man and lawyer joke

2008-07-26T13:14:00.005-04:00

Mistaking a lawyer for a con-man, Brian who was ripped off for $500 as a initial investment to start a self-proclaimed million dollar business, tracked down the wrong man. Before taking a second look to confirm his identity he punched the weaselly man sporting a navy blue suit in the face then violently threw him in his own car. The two took a ride as Brian furiously urged an apology from the alleged shyster.

The cowering captive wiggled in his seat trying to explain he was a lawyer, but Brian wasn't buying it as he had enough and forced the passenger's door open then shoved the man into an deserted alley way with him wailing for help. At first Brian didn't realize it, but then noticed a small scar on the man's temple after seeing him hit the pavement at 50 mph. He immediately understood it was a case of mistaken identity as the guy was really a lawyer. Either way Brian thought the bastard had it coming to him.

Midget water skiing and white water rafting

2008-07-18T13:21:00.010-04:00

It's unfortunate that midgets get left out of fun outdoor activities. Considering it's bad enough they aren't permitted to ride roller coaster rides at amusement parks they have to seek out something else daring. Trying out water skiing would be challenge. For one they'd have to learn balance and if that didn't work...it would result in them getting whipped through the tides or drowning. Tying a rope around their arm wouldn't help the situation when the skis flip up and they're treading for water for over a mile upside down. The same problems occurs with white water rafting. With strong currents flowing sharp downstream they're only hope is to lasso a huge rock with a anchored cord with a hook on it and hold on for dear life.

The Two Coreys: allowing exploitation to have no boundaries

2008-07-16T13:00:00.007-04:00

Since I remember Corey Haim and Corey Feldman growing up as a kid seeing some of their movies, why not check out their reality show? This seemed like a good idea, but it wasn't. There is way too much dirty laundry and relationship problems revealed on the show. In a way it's good the two former child stars have a chance to reunite yet at the same time both want to blame each other for their shortcomings (mainly Haim). I don't know if many of their fans want to see them together again as far as the show goes since they bring up sad tidbits about their past. Working on a film together may not happen either and if Corey Haim is smart he'll take whatever role comes his way. That's better than taking orders at a drive thru.

From the episodes I've seen Haim struggles to find an new identity for himself while arguing too much with his friend who tries to help him. Corey Feldman must have exhausted his tolerance as Haim has bugged the crap out of him to the point of no end then wants to lay the blame on others for his own failures. Everybody must take responsibility for their actions, be serious about positive change, and take the steps necessary to get their life back in order. It's clear Haim is stressed and frustrated yet sitting around b*tching all day. The show is too personal for him. The best idea for him would be conduct business and stabilize relationships off camera instead of being reminded about his childhood.

Of the course there is jealousy on the show and Haim won't admit it. I don't know why he tortures himself by going to Feldman's house and wishing he had the same lifestyle. Agreeing to do the reality show because he needed money was understandable yet a cheap ploy to try to gain popularity again by others. Just like actors he'll find to work his butt off to survive in the industry. If he knows what's best showing gratitude instead of bickering with Feldman would be wise. Instead of having another shot with his old friend as a prime contact to open doors Haim couldn't been the kid with his face on a milk carton. Good to see that didn't happen.

Tobey Maguire uses Spidey quickness to fend off rude photographer

2008-07-11T13:55:00.007-04:00

One anxious, camera-happy fan rubbed Spiderman star Tobey Maguire the wrong way. As seen on You Tube this jerk in Los Angeles trying to snap a picture at him. Don't these photographers understand lesser known celebrities hate being distracted and bothered while dining out. Though Tobey Maguire is a nice guy and all I'm surprised he didn't punch this bozo in the face. Fortunate enough his Spidey senses kicked in and swatted the camera to the ground. Nice move Tobey! Still people would have understood if you kicked the idiot in the nuts. If I had to deal with that crap I'd be mad too.

Usually the dirty paparazzi trail hot celebrities such as Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, posing risks to car wrecks. I think those who are swarmed by them and agitated constantly by them have the right to grab their cameras and break into pieces before they can sell the pics. If they pursue photos of Edward Norton he might just 'Hulk up' right then and there and commence to kicking the holy hell out of slimy creeps. The point is they need to respect these celebrities' space and not be all on top on them, glaring flashy lights at their face all the time. Next time if Tobey has another similar encounter he may just have his body guards take the rabid photographer out to an alley and beat the sh*t out of them then kick in the gut for good measure.

Mario Lopez catches dance fever on Broadway

2008-07-05T17:38:00.015-04:00

Well, it's looks like Mario Lopez has made it back to the big time. With a series of runs on TV as hosts and participant in a dance contest known as Dancing with the Stars it's evident the 34-year-old can't get enough of the spotlight. In fact he's doing a production of shows on Broadway noted, A Chorus Line sure to have audiences on the edge of their seats and leave gay men, jealous with their mouth wide open. He's also be snagging roles on TV shows while hosting a few talent shows on ABC, none of which I have watched. Just once I'd like to see him get a chance to play a bad ass persona in a movie or on TV. With a new book out about body building and exercise Mario Lopez has more than enough to smile about. Lucky for him his physique alone will influence a lot of male fans to run to the book store and buy it.

With his stint on Broadway there is no better way to fade people's memories of A.C. Slater, who only wore tight shorts when he wrestled yet wouldn't dare be seen dancing on a stage. He's come a long way since those glory days at Bayside High as a type-casted dumb jock and has broaden his range of gigs while still reeling in the big money. Unlike former co-star Dustin Diamond he knows when to turn down a degrading spot on a reality show for celebrity misfits. Yes, it's good to see Mario holding up well and making the most of his acting opportunities. Instead of basking a little in the spotlight he could've been dropping trow in adult films. What a wise move to stay out of that line of work! If he keeps up this dancing frenzy with all these projects going on he might bust out the tap shoes and go on tour.

McCain tries to cater to Latino voters

2008-06-28T18:26:00.016-04:00

Digging further on the campaign trail John McCain wants to reach out to more Americans in his quest for the presidency. Always aiming to gain the extra votes he's turning the corner and aiming to gain votes from Latinos. For an aging war veteran it's not much the politician has in common with this ethnic group. I'm sure he won't mention anything to do with illegal immigration when addressing them. Making promises of an increase in jobs or health care packages for their families will not impress the Hispanic population when they're still being working as underpaid maids, janitors, and cooks that most Americans refuse to take.

Once the Republicans are out of the picture with their full favor swinging to McCain I don't think the rest of the population cares too much. With Hillary supporting Barack Obama now she'll draw away the mixed vote by claiming McCain wants to extend the war and promote healthcare based needs only for products like Viagra and Ambien. If McCain slips up and talks about shutting off the U.S. border to Mexicans and how all illegal aliens have no place in this country it won't suit well with the Latinos. His plans concerning the issue won't stop Mexicans from fleeing into this nation by the truck loads and crowding up Wal-Marts, serving as the main secret cleaning crew at night.

The generation gap will definitely come into play and be a factor as McCain will have many voters not only Hispanics thinking he's off his rocker. When he starts clamoring about the good old days of the 30's and 40's and how he intends to instill a compensation program for veterans of the military people will be fed up with his uninspiring rambling and wonder what in hell he's going to do to improve the cost of living and extend the value in food stamps. So far McCain has seldom mentioned the threat of terrorism during his campaign, many respect his service as a war hero, but will question whether he'll be asleep in the Oval Office if an another major invasion erupts. Plus, having to deal with prostrate cancer later could pose a dilemna when he's in the bathroom and a emergency phone call comes in during the middle of the night. McCain better have one hell of plan to explain how to handle such a matter to his potential voters.

This old dinosaur, will he ever retire?

2008-06-24T21:18:00.012-04:00

I have to admit I seldom watch CNN, don't care for their portrayal of the news. The network runs the same old stories into the ground. They just want overanalyze issues, mostly pointless ones about politics. What I can't fathom is having Larry King is still going strong in his show's like 80th year. He's like Barbara Walters, never seems to shut up and has an infinite life form. I don't think the aging legendary broadcaster has even slumped over in a chair during an interview or blacked out from lack of insulin. He sure likes those suspenders too. Without them he's like a shoeless Mr. Rogers on the air. I have to hand it to Larry as he asks the hard-hitting questions to his guests over personal, controversial issues yet you never hear one of them build up the courage to probe him on why one of his bones has yet to be preserved as a fossil and put on display in a museum. He even outlived comedian George Carlin and was interviewed about their relationship as friends.

Honestly, Larry needs to retire and give another anchor a chance in the spotlight. His career spans through historic newsworthy events which aren't as old as him. The first Larry King Live I think was an interview he conducted about the first known dinosaur egg discovered in the World preceding the Stone Age. As usual Larry was hot on the case:

"Hello, this is the first broadcast of Larry King Live. I'm here in Northern Asia where a miraculous discovery has been made. With me at this time is the man responsible for the archaeological find, Genghis Khan. Welcome to the show, good to have you with us today. Seems like you've scoured the ends of the earth to find this beauty. When did you expect the egg to hatch and do you plan to raise it as one of your own? My wife has been anxious for a child, but I've been fertile for 30 years! We'll take a short break to catch our breathe and find a secure away from the ravenous wolves approaching us. Get that spear ready Khan we may need it. We'll be back in a few minutes."

Few veterans can boast of their extensive broadcast background as Larry King, in fact no one has ever lived long enough to get him a challenge. He likes to get the dirt on celebrities, further exploiting their personal lives to draw in high ratings. I'm sure he received his share of slaps to the face off the air by actresses over the years. Whether he's talking politics, science, legal battles, or juicy celeb gossip Larry King is an ancient living artifact and doesn't even know it.

Whale watching in the summer

2008-06-20T14:00:00.005-04:00

Going to summer pools in the summer are usually fun. That's until a pleasant swimming experience is ruined by fat people. Once they take over the area, splashing gallons of water out of the pool, going out of their way to pollute the air, and breaking a diving board you might as well forget about enjoying yourself on a raft or float once they deflate it from thunderous cannon balls. Rather others worry about these rotund swimmers crowding their space and pelting stinking waves of water everywhere. This is why parents take their kids out of the water and say, "If I wanted my children to see whales I would've took them to sea world."

Early afternoon Happy Hours aren't the best stress relievers

2008-06-11T13:04:00.006-04:00

I don't know why public establishments get off on encouraging people to start drinking before they get off work (maybe because drunks keep paying for the same thing until they're broke). Promoting early afternoon Happy Hours usually don't result in being refreshed or returning to work without a hangover. I understand the stress people have, but getting plastered during the middle of the day isn't the answer. For one, after downing several beers, things get fuzzy and a person can black out. Another is besides getting fired from your job the real shaky (nerves), impulsive types show up already drunk to a Happy Hour and keel over onto the floor as you arrive with a beer in hand.

Too many times the wrong people get liquored up and things get out of control when tempers flare. In almost no time fights break out as chairs and bottles go flying. This especially ruins a good time at strip clubs. The show comes to a halt quick once a fist is thrown and a patron falls on a table breaking it in half. Happy Hours won't give co-workers who join in the party an impression of a alleged social drinker who acts like a totally different person when drunk.
"I'm not going to any more Happy Hours with Chris. The way he treated that waitress calling her those nasty names was horrible. He didn't even leave a tip. Sure he's pleasant when sober, but after a couple drinks he sure is an asshole and causes such as ruckus it's best to leave him unconscious for a hour after he falls out on the floor."

The worst thing an employee can do after a Happy Hour is bring up hostile feelings and return to the office threatening to go postal without a gun then kicking and hitting crap all over the place, slamming printers and computers to the ground while shoving enemies nearby. They almost have to be hosed down or tied up before the police arrive. At this point receiving a pink slip is probably the least of their troubles.

You-like-a-the Zohan or no?

2008-06-06T14:58:00.012-04:00

Once again Adam Sandler has come out with another crazy-ass, buffonist summer movie. In You Don't Mess with the Zohan, he plays an Israeli commando who aspires to be a hair stylist. He leaves home to go to New York in search of happiness (it's always the Big Apple, isn't it). Other than that the film is filled with a bunch of wackiness and slapstick. Giving his character superhuman abilities such as kicking someone repetitively in the face while standing still and doing pushups without having his hands touch the floor doesn't give the story realistic elements. Yet I've seen the previews and it's kind of funny. The use of mild violence is demonstrated as usual in Sandler's movies. Instead of being the antagonist in this story though the Israeli is the hero I guess since he's trying to help people.

Sandler recently appeared on the MTV Movie Awards Show and sat down for a Q&A with fans.
He looks like he may tried to give himself a haircut or is letting it grow out. Leave it to him though to always have a silly song prepared when he went on stage.

I just like the idea of the character dancing around in the streets and not caring whether or not he looks like a pompous ass. Sporting the goatee and wild hair is classic! Seeing him spill mustard or ketchup on the facial foilage would be humorous too. The whole jeans and T-shirt look fits Sandler's personality yet it wouldn't hurt him to wear a suit or dress clothes and go into a night club and start grinding to some salsa music as a bunch of gay men approach me. That wouldn't fit into the plot unless he was trying to win a contest and awarded money to enter a hair styling school. I'm kind of surprised no scenes involve anyone getting hit in the nuts or passing gas real loud in public. That could account for a good 15-20 minutes of a Sandler movie. Based on what I've seen I want to see the movie yet know there can't possibly be any moral value or true meaning behind it.

Nude beach joke

2008-05-31T19:47:00.005-04:00

You know you've picked the wrong vacation spot when discovering a nude beach by mistake and most of the people there are old and fat. Your immediate reaction is to stare directly at the sun until temporarily blind to get the scagging, wrinkled disgusting images out of your head. You know it's effecting other vacationers too when they actually offer to pay those nude to put on their clothes and leave the premises.

A second sick dose of MTV's Tila Tequilia: A Shot At Love

2008-05-24T17:44:00.006-04:00

Leave it to MTV to rehash the same predictable reality shows for sex frills. Without another Real World ripoff to ran into the ground they turned no further than the ever skanky Tila Tequilia to start a second season of a Shot At Love. There is no better way to confuse teens into thinking they're gay or straight after viewing this trashy, disease-infested show. Watching it sure won't prepare them for avoiding STDs. Nobody cares whether Tila Tequilia is a lesbian, bisexual, or aspires to run her own dildo shop. A skank like this is never satisfied, always wanting to rub her body up against anyone who is a freak and and putting them at risk of contacting herpes.

To go on that many dates, picking favorites and narrowing it down to a few obsessed sickos while 'whoring it up' as the cameras keep rolling she must have spread something in that house. I wouldn't dare take a chance by sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom without at least straying it with some kind of disinfectant. Season 1 was enough to witness. Tila couldn't make her mind up whether she wanted a lesbo or a heterosexual. Rolling around in bed with a bunch of miscellaneous strangers is what she seems to enjoy the most, being the center of attention revealing that she's a filthy, self-serving hoe. MTV, what's next a group of transvestites living together in a duplex and soliciting sex propositions at a sleazy night club while fighting over clients on the streets? Screw the ratings pull the plug on all this despicable crap.

Office prank sure to piss off co-worker or boss

2008-05-21T13:44:00.009-04:00

This picture caught my eye and I had to post it. What spite it took to go through with this plan. Getting back at someone at the office usually creates further friction, but trashing their cubicle with all this crap is going overboard. Whenever the employee returns from lunch or a vacation they'll be mad as hell and go ballastic.

I can imagine this employee coming into work in a pleasant mood, feeling refreshed and walk to their work station. All of a sudden the person turns and sees their desk. The expression on their face will be priceless, filled with rage and yelling, "What the f--- is all of this sh*t? Who the hell did this DAMN IT! I'm going to KILL THEM! Forget about just getting fired rather worrying about getting beaten senseless if you're the culprit(s) behind this rotten prank.

Tonya Harding's confessions for cash

2008-05-17T14:53:00.008-04:00

An ugly sports event has to be revisited with the new Tonya Harding book being released. The former ice skater is best known for allegely taking out competitor Nancy Kerrigan. Later it was revealed her then husband orchestrated the hit to the leg which caused an injury. I never really gave the 1994 event much thought, but to put out a book now seems kind of pointless. Sounds like she was in a messed up, psychotic relationship. I guess she wasn't smart enough to get out of it. Harding can't expect too much sympathy after all this time and now wants to profit from a book. Still it was her poor sportsmanship and lack of performance which lead to being ban from ice skating.

Whacking someone in the leg for competitive gain isn't to be took lightly or overlooked here. If a basketball or baseball player gets decked or stabbed on the sidelines it would create chaos. Fans would want justice as well as the victims. Plus such a vicious action delays the heck out of a competition while poses additional threats in stadiums. Security never was beefed up at ice arenas, but after the infamous Harding incident stadium personnel knew they couldn't take any chances because they'd have to hope to God they didn't have to detonate a bomb in a building. The fans also got scared and wanted to flee to safety. I know those who supported ice skating must be steamed about the Harding Tapes book, realizing she wants to use the publicity exploit for her own monetary gain more so than rise awareness by abuse. I'm sure people will be reluctant to come to a book signing if they think Tonya has a knife concealed in her purse.

Heartfelt Mother's Day sentiments if you're broke

2008-05-10T15:05:00.011-04:00

Treating Moms on their special day doesn't necessarily have to be planned in extravagant detail or involve spending much money. There are other ways to surprise Mom. Announcing you're gay or have contacted Hepatitis B isn't recommended though. I say forget about giving out those insincere Hallmark cards. Instead write a card and put some feeling into it. These may not be the most articulate words ever written on paper especially if you've been drinking at the time, but at least genuine. Sometimes throwing a little guilt her way will help remind her that there are no perfect people in the world and she still owes you $400 from like 5 years ago.

Taking Mom out to eat doesn't have to be a big deal either. If you have the money let her pick the restaurant. Otherwise do the same as if nearly broke and on a date. Offer to buy lunch then say, "Okay, look you've got two choices: it's either McDonalds or Wendy's and don't get an attitude." That way you still show you care somewhat and actually are willing to withstand the embarrassment to let everyone around know that you're a real cheapskate of a son. Besides that other quick ideas are rip daisies out of someone's yard to give to Mom, teach her how to operate a VCR, plunge the toilet in her house you caused to get clogged up after dropping too big of a load, and drive around town to pick out a future nursing home she likes the best.

There is no need to shower Mom with expensive gifts when you can use sarcasm. She'll appreciate it in the long run. When she complains about bills and rising expenses rejog her memory by explaining that this is no longer the 60's and 70's, gas is almost $4.00 a gallon, blue suede shoes aren't hip anymore, and the way the economy is now Hitler might as well be running the country. Surely that bit of information ought to make her day. Celebrating Mother's Day wouldn't be the same without the true mix of feelings between 2 generation gaps. What matters the most is you're spending time with her despite the grief you cause each other.

Selling fake land plots off islands

2008-04-29T21:03:00.008-04:00

Buying land from an unknown buyer can be a hassle and sham. I don't know anyone who doesn't want to see plots of land before they make a purchase. It's easy to do so in a local market, but with a sale proposition posted on an online auction it's just too big of a risk. In an ad an piece of land off the Virgin Islands or Barbados with a price too good to be true. A diagram stating the total square miles, acres, and ocean fronts are shown. It turns out the plots are on a tiny island one-tenth of the original size noted by the seller. In other words some shyster is deceiving potential buyers looking for a great vacation spot and planning to screw them over royally.

These online scams have run rampant and adding land into the mix is even more treacherous. It's hard to have trust in a business deal when a buyer finds out a seemingly perfect summer getaway spot is polluted with oil spills, trash, and dead seagulls. The smell will be so foul forget about relaxing and catching some sun rays. Taking a dip in the water which appeared crystal clear in the picture in the sales pitch turns out to be murky brown in sections and isn't so inviting. Plus all the sun screen in the world won't prevent the soreness when a lobster waddles ashore and pinches you in the nuts. That's when a buyer realized they got shafted big time and ought to have said no deal.

Open displays of affection include man hugs

2008-04-16T13:24:00.007-04:00

People want to cringe and make faces at almost everything that happens in public. In an era where same sex partnerships are expressed and more accepted than in 70's, 80's, and 90's everyone has to deal with their phobia. The same goes for guys who hug each other in public places. Sure it looks gay and draws a hell of a lot of attention sometimes, but it's also self-expression in a nonverbal type of manner.

Men tend to hide their feelings so what better way to reveal a sensitive, cuddly side than with a man hug. Gays even know this needs to happen more often with straights yet I'm not condoning everyone frolic and grope lovers and friends out in public. In private, well...it's going happen one way or another. Too many guys are revered as sissies or pansies because they show affection.

Women do it all the time and think nothing of it. Even when they brush up boobs to boobs by accident nobody flips out about it (sometimes it's taped on camera though and generates a crap load of money). Females get a kick out of it when guys reach out and touch one another with affection in a non-sexual maneuver. Nothing is wrong with male bonding as long as it doesn't result in a closed setting environment against one person's will type of thing. Families can't worry about their sons or daughters coming out of the closest. Sometimes a special hug or pat on the butt cheek is enough even if it happens to be at a strip club.

Governors and their need for hookers

2008-03-19T12:25:00.005-04:00

The endless accounts of governors and mayors being caught with hookers shouldn't be so suprising. Everyone knows there is corruption in the government and things which come on behind closed doors. With the Elliot Spitzer case still steamrolling in the media America has yet to hear the latest details of the governor's out of control fetish and call girls. Everyone in politics has conducted secret relations some time or another. Governor Arnold had to deal with the whole 'groping' of women claim in California. New York mayor McGreevy came out and announced he was gay (no need to act like he doesn't enjoy exotic night clubs named the Pink Flamingo anymore). All these stories surface sooner or later.

I don't understand why television news networks like CNN spend so much time covering outdated scandals. It's merely a hot topic of conservation for juicy gossip. Members in government positions whether in the Senate, House of Representatives, or the White House will be dropping their pants for years to come. There is nothing the American people can do about it. Some way these wackos will find their way into office and end up disgracing their family and their own name. That's always been a part of politics. Let's just hope none of the present or past governors display public forms of fondling or decide to go streaking one humid, sunny day.

A look back: remembering M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice

2008-03-11T14:55:00.004-04:00

I'm sure the names M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice are familiar to most people growing up in the early 90's. Their music careers were short-lived yet their memories live on through numerous jokes. Here below are a couple more I'd like to share.

- Before white guys started gigs in rap it was hard to come up with with good stage names which weren't already taken. Deciding against using the name 'Ice Cold' the wannabe star Vanilla Ice figured it sounded too much like a flat soft drink with no flavor.

-After living a life of luxury M.C. Hammer manages to lose everything. Now when he opens his wallet instead of seeing a wad of cash a McDonalds coupon falls out with an old rumpled up condom.

-Before Vanilla Ice was famous he used to be a aspiring break dancer. The problem was he so uncoordinated he broke his fall on countless tables and stereo equipment and got hurled out of night clubs by bouncers.

-M.C. Hammer's hit single, "You Can't Touch This" became an skyrocketing success on the music charts and also were the first comments made by his girlfriends after they found out he was flat broke.

- A good transition for M.C. Hammer after ending his music career would've been to join a circus. That way he could still wear his baggy pants as a clown and once again entertain the masses without even uttering one ear-wrenching lyric.

Geraldo Rivera and the cross-dressing dwarfs who love him

2008-03-07T14:52:00.005-05:00

It seems like a while since Geraldo Rivera has bombarded television screens with his insignificant reporting for Fox News. I really don't care to see him at all except when he says something really stupid and gets nailed for it. Revealing military locations a few years ago very well could have caused him to get fired or even shot. His days as a talk show host are over. Topics concerning transvestites and their secret lovers or overweight strippers' compulsive eating habits will now have to be reserved for old reruns on Jerry Springer and episodes maybe with Dr. Phil. If there was one defining element he brought to national television it was douch-baggery.

Most people could care less about the former talk show host and want to tell him to go jump off bridge. His credentials as a news reporter are more than questionable. It seemed as if his fielding reporting has become minimized, mainly regulated to hurricanes and tornadoes. Seeing him getting tossed around in 30-40 miles per hour wind is kind of amusing to watch. I'm pretty sure he'd try to continue talking after getting blown into a tree. Reporting on celebrities wouldn't a wise move for Geraldo. I know if he got too chatty about the whole O.J. Simpson case there would be a high risk of him getting stabbed or maimed.

A jolly good day in the neighborhood with Sweater Day

2008-02-27T13:58:00.006-05:00

Of all the ridiculous holidays out there I think this one beats them all. In honor of former TV personality Mr. Rogers a Day has been reserved called Sweater Day. This is a bit peculiar since the PBS host was known for always changing his shoes after a walk through the neighborhood. Well I guess he can have his day in the spotlight as people will display old man sweaters of different in his name. I wonder if any activists will protest against this celebration claiming the sweaters have wool in them which was skinned from precious endangered animals. Looks like it may not be such a pleasant day in the neighborhood after all.

Will Ferrell creates a new brand of wackiness with Semi-Pro

2008-02-22T19:51:00.006-05:00

Good sports parodies are always an amusing form of entertainment. Leave it to a real screwball like Will Ferrell to star in such a movie. His latest project, Semi-Pro is sure to leave viewers in stitches. Playing the character of a struggling 1970's basketball owner he tries to find a way to boost stadium attendance and generate a popular team. He goes as far as wrestling a bear and suiting up himself to play basketball. Amazingly, Ferrell showcases a puffy Afro-like hair style much similar to that of the 70's. There is no telling how he's used the hair dew to crack up audiences. I've seen the previews for the trailer and the scenes are pretty funny.

This is the third film of Will Ferrell's which involves him being against all odds in a competitive sports. Seeing his antics and goofiness in Blades Of Glory and Talladega Nights. Whether playing the part of a intense race car driver or a egotistical, insane pro ice skater Ferrell always delivers laugh out moments. Seeing him try to jump through a flaming hoola hoop in Old School and get burned caused my stomach to shake uncontrollable, it was so hilarious!

I'm sure Ferrell playing the role of Jackie Moon will serve up the same slapstick and raunchy humor as usual yet will be a more emotional portrayal of a man desperate for survival. I think he will give the character great depth. The zany comedian may do all of his own stunts even if it's tumbling down an aisle of seats while fighting a fan (I hope so anyway). *See Will Ferrell's latest funny viral videos at www.funnyordie.com.

Jokes about work

2008-02-19T19:03:00.005-05:00

Every now and then employees are reminded of not exceeding time for lunch breaks. A manager or supervisor can't really complain when every clock in the building is set different. An employee can explain, "I took my 20 minutes for lunch as usual, but the clock in break room is always 5 minutes fast and it took a few extra minutes as on the walk back I got delayed by the long line at the restroom. Someone explained it was because of food poisoning from unprocessed meat in the vending machines."

Getting back at your boss for riding your back can be a risky move, but if he leaves the office and you decide to urinate in his coffee you better make sure it's black coffee.

Feeling guilty about dipping into a co-worker's candy dish all the time and trying to find a good reason to drop by their work station by saying something like, "Oh I forgot to say Happy Birthday to you today" is a bad strategy. Especially if it isn't their birthday and you still have chocolate on the corner of your mouth from the peanut butter cups you nabbed earlier in the day.

Employee morale slips away fast when a team meeting is held concerning the recent work related accidents and missing office supplies.

Realizing certain employees isn't motivated to excel to the next level and is wasting time on the job is when they're seen walking around making photo copies of their ass and hanging out at the water cooler while passing gas.

If Martin Luther King forgot Valentine's Day

2008-02-09T21:55:00.000-05:00

It's easy to get so bogged down in work or focused on your personal life that you forget about specific dates or holidays. I'm not sure if Martin Luther King Jr. ever let the dedication he put into the Civil Rights movement distracting his attention away from Valentine's Day, but such a reserved day would've only interfered with his pursuit of equality. Everyone knows February is a shorten month. It's a pain really to keep with all the less celebrated holidays. If Mr. King was alive today he'd probably preach about still having a dream then try to ponder what the hell it was about because of alzheimers. Black history and Valentine's Day are both celebrated in February and most people only care about one or the other.

I don't see why so much attention needs to put on V-day (not talking about Venearal disease day...don't think such a holiday exists). Buying Flowers, chocolates, dining out: these are all things people can do on any given day of the week. During the Martin Luther King era such a huge emphasis wasn't put on this dreaded holiday for men. The historic black leader as well as his supporters had to worry about far greater life situations such as being arrested for protesting, being trampled to death in a crowd, or make it home safe without being shot. That's enough to take your mind off everything except survival.

The way commercialism is so tied into holidays now, with the endless pushing of products on consumers it's downright cruel. Martin Luther King must be rolling over in his grave to know there are people who don't give a crap about the other prominent holiday celebrated in honor of his name. President's Day is another event observed in the month, nudging it's way in to create a triple threat effect. As Americans we're too lazy to even think of George Washington, Lincoln, or King on the notable dates. Instead our concentration will be leaning more towards, 'when is the pizza getting here?' What a shame this is, but true nonetheless. I believe recognizing American leaders and pioneers giving them their credit is far more important than wasting money on Valentine's Day. At least with the latter guys can avoid a guilt trip and being broke.

Today's jokes on Politics

2008-02-06T13:24:00.001-05:00

Only one thing is certain if Hillary Clinton is elected into office. There will be no screwing going on in the White House unless it's during extreme negotiations with foreign leaders.

Senator McCain has a reputation for his war heroics in the past, but he knows the only way he can get votes from the undecided or unwilling Democrat supporters is to have Dick Cheney threaten to shoot them in the face.

In order for Mike Huckabee to feel a sense of security among the crowds at his rallies he has to be 100% confident that Chuck Norris is willing to take a bullet for him, no questions asked.

With Al Gore's sudden emergence into the presidential election he will go down in history as the only candidate to put voters to sleep in a record 2 minutes after his opening statement while George W. Bush sits off to the side with a thumb up his ass pondering how to spell the word, "Greetings".

Hot dog eating contests during Super Bowl halftime

2008-02-03T22:21:00.000-05:00

As if the Super Bowl isn't treated like a holiday enough with football feasts galore and non-stop gluttony another event is televised to further exploit how fat Americans have become. This of course is Hot Dog eating contests. What better way to celebrate the glory of the Super Bowl than to pig out, time it, and film it. What a way to make a name for yourself and not in a good way. The commentators for these contests really aren't necessary either. Viewers can see that a portly, goateed participant is choosing to dip his food in water for faster digestion. Everyone shoving their face with food also looks like they're about to gag, which is obvious.

What is the prize for the winner anyway, year's supply of porterhouse steaks? Other than a trophy they haven't really accomplished anything other than being recognized as a fat ass pig on television. I still don't know why these buffet style contests are remotely affialated with sports. Setting a record for only having to move your hands and mouth isn't impressive. Why not also add a couch or recliner for the contestants to lay on while they eat to their hearts content? During the middle of the event it wouldn't be a suprise if a rotund individual experienced a massive heart attack and keeled over on the ground. Next year the contest still resumes despite the health risks.

In boxing when a trainer throws the towel in I wonder if the same would ever happen in the hot dog eating contests. Sure a person is down for the count, but losing is half as bad as getting explosive diarrhea. There won't be enough toliet handy to get rid of the queasy feeling in their stomach or stop the seemily endless stream of the squirts. When this occurs foolish participants realize it would have been a better idea to stay home, enjoy the game, and toss around the old pigskin.

Posing as a armored car guard to rob banks....huh?

2008-01-16T11:36:00.000-05:00

Usually when I hear about bank robberies it involves a stick-up where everyone is forced to lay on the ground and not move while bank tellers rush to put stacks of greenbacks into a bag. Well, this week something totally different happened. A man posing as a armored car guard walked into a Wachovia bank in Washington D.C. said he was a fill-in officer then casually walked off with several thousand dollars! The same thing happened in Maryland and Georgia. What kind of idiots would let anybody go into a bank vault without verifying their identification? At least the bank employees could have done was check the schedule for vault withdrawals for the day.

The real security personnel which was authorized were out of luck when they showed up later. They probably started counting the money and realized they were short about $50,000-$70,000. I feel bad for all the Wachovia customers who use the ATM and only receive a maximum of $20 as their account now no longer has any available funds (at least I don't have an account with Wachovia). Such a dilemma has got to piss people off who are low on cash and just had their other bank card stolen a day or two ago. What's most stunning about the D.C. robbery was it took place right across the street from an FBI agency! I suppose the investigators on duty didn't have a clue either what was going on or were on their lunch break.

I can't believe someone had not tried the armored guard tactic before in a bank. Hoping it's so busy they'll barely notice you or won't bother to check your credentials is really the only way this crime works. Plus as shown in the surveillance videos a culprit has to pretend he's doing a routine job and walk casually out of the door without a care in the world. Maybe even humming a tune will make this transaction seem normal too. Well, at least the culprits have been identified from the security footage and will go to jail. When the money is returned I'm sure clients will be closing out accounts and moving funds elsewhere.

The Walker Texas Ranger vote for Huckabee

2008-01-11T14:48:00.000-05:00

Candidate Mike Huckabee can thank the heavens above that Chuck Norris is on his side. I wouldn't have won the vote in New Hampshire without the actor and former martial arts expert's support. Just seeing Norris at a political rally is amusing, the way his eyes are fixed on the situation at hand much the same as assessing a predicament with a group of thugs in the TV show, Walker Texas Ranger. Republican Huckabee can count it as a safe bet to have his close supporter as a bodyguard. When an arsenal of punches, knee sweeps, and round-house kicks are unloaded he would have to worry about anyone laying a finger on him.

Beyond reasonable logic the Republican candidate will receive a good percentage of votes come election time just because of his friend's status. It will be interesting to see if Norris stays loyal or jumps ship to the next best candidate. Republicans have received much flank for their decisions in Congress and in the Bush administration so it's hard to tell how voters will response after the primaries. Things would definitely heat up if Arnold backed another candidate. Heated tension between him and Norris arise and the two battle it out for supremacy while forgetting an election is taking place. I'm sure candidate trail could become quite ugly and tense.

Today's random joke about relationships

2008-01-07T12:27:00.000-05:00

It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who is cranky and complains all the time. That's why types of people of certain natures or conditions ought to be together. A relationship has a better chance of working in the long run. Problems will naturally work themselves out between a narcoleptic and a pessimist with amensia. While one is bitching the other is fast asleep without a clue as to what is happening. Later on the same thing will happen and quickly be forgotten.

One truly lazy couch potato

2008-01-04T12:57:00.000-05:00

After the holiday season concluded you'd think Americans were getting back to the daily grind of work. Not the case for a group of guys in New York City. Earlier this week apparently a 'couch potato' contest was held in Times Square where a group of participants see who could sit in a recliner and watch football games for the longest period of time on 42-inch plasma TVs. The winner, a NYC Librarian lasted 29 hours, only allowed to go to the restroom every 8 hours. Contestants in this ridiculous event at the ESPN Zone restaurant were granted as much food and beverage as they wanted.

The key to the lazy ass couch potato contest was to not fall asleep or drink too much and have to rush to the restroom before the 8-hour allotted time period. I don't know if 29 hours is a record for sitting and watching TV, but it sure does make a person a fat, trifling bung-hole! Don't get me wrong I'd like to have won $5,000 and a few luxury gifts too, but not be revered as a lard ass who won a couch potato contest. I'm sure 300-pound plus men couldn't be accommodated at the restaurant because they would have broke the recliners and ate up all the food.

I'm wondering if anyone used beer-funnel hats in the contest. What else could make a Game Day experience in front of the TV better? Undergoing a heart attack or choking on a bone from a buffalo wing definitely poses a limitation in food consumption and usually costs a person first place honors. Keeling over on the floor during the middle of the night wouldn't be unexpected either. Then CPR would have to be administered in attempt to knock out the pork reins lodged in a contestant's esophagus. I hope the guy who won really needed that $5,000 because what a waste of time if he didn't.

Less luxurious inheritance such a crying shame for Hilton

2007-12-28T12:25:00.000-05:00

Why can't rich people ever be satisfied with what they have? Most celebrities work hard to obtain the lifestyle and wealth they possess, but not Paris Hilton. I wish I could rake in millions of dollars for doing nothing other than annoying people and making people sick to their stomachs (mainly due to the diseases she spreads from one place to another). Now the poor princess is upset because she's been promised a less royal inheritance by her grandfather who has to decided to give most of his fortune to charities. Still Paris will receive $5 million. What a greedy bitch!

It's not like the ditsy Heiress will ever have to work for a living. She's had it made from the very start. Oh, it's such a pity! Even her reality show, The Simple Life raked in enough money to last her for a few years or so. I'm not so sure her perfume product line will be a huge success. I mean how many women want to go around smelling like a rotten skank? If I had a tenth of what was given to her by the Hilton family I'd be covered for the rest of my life. She took the riches for granted and I'm glad to see her grandfather make a wise choice by donating most of his inheritance to charities. Otherwise Paris may have pissed all the money away on whore outfits and accessories to go clubbing on the Hollywood night club scene.

Chuck Norris files suit over wise-cracking list about him

2007-12-24T14:24:00.000-05:00

Action hero Chuck Norris has become fed up with the ridiculous satirical 'mythical facts' lists an author has wrote concerning super-human powers the former Walker Texas Ranger star possesses in relation to his on-screen tough guy image. Nobody can blame Mr. Norris for being upset. To relieve his anger, it wouldn't be uncommon for him to karate chop a set of cinder-blocks to pieces. Claiming the actor and martial arts expert can cure cancer with his tears makes for a absurd pun, but has recently been taken as a defamation to his image and name. Legal proceedings have been conducted concerning the fake lists, check out the story here.

Everyone knows Chuck's characters on TV and film are portrayed as tough and rugged who fight crime and bad guys. I'm sure he can execute a round-house kick to the temple, but 'turning on a cellphone with his beard'? That commercial which aired about him and the popular soft drink (no point in naming) and outsmarting the two guys messing with him on the Internet I think were supposed to diffuse the puns directed at him, but only seemed to reinforce the idea he has super-natural abilities. I'm sure Norris beat the hell out of a punching bag when he found about these 'mythical facts' surfacing the Internet.

Somehow his agent or a news source brought the matter to his attention and presented in a negative light to come off as racist and lewd (and maybe it does). Profiting from a book due to the actor's likeness with these silly tales about him is what most likely set him off. Fans of his need to just get a bunch of his video footage or DVDs and be content with watching the action-intense scenes. Otherwise Chuck will take mockery as a unflattering gesture, track people down, and kick their ass.

Last minute desperation X-Mas gifts with never ending ringing jingling

2007-12-22T20:00:00.000-05:00

The holidays are supposed to be a time for people to relax and celebrate good times. Too much focus is put on buying gifts. Relatives get do without material crap for at least another day and go back to indulging in what they always do: food. The whole meaning of Christmas, for those who observe or celebrate it, is overshadowed by the rampant demands to spend money on non-stop shopping sprees. Others sucked into to the black hole of commercialism who actually want to give to those they care about, but don't want to splurge or put forth much effort wait around to the last minute to buy gifts.

One major reason these groups of passive shoppers hold off making purchase decisions is because of the damn endless repetitive flow of jingles blasting in stores. Can't we all endure a holiday shopping experience without hearing 'Rocking Around the Christmas Tree' every f**king 5 minutes?? The more you try to escape the proverbial hell the more it manifests. Last-minute shoppers know what they have to deal with (also avoid the grocery stores at the wrong times and not risk their chances getting kneed to the lower extremities over the last turkey available).

It's actually smart to shop on Christmas Eve. That way you don't have to think about the cheap random investments are about to make. Going to a convenience store is the ticket. There you just grab a variety of everyday crap like Slim Jims, candy bars, lighters, flashlights, potato chips and be done with it. At this point most people don't look at what they're picking up and just say the hell with it. I can't blame them in that regard. Sure recipients may be unhappy with these gifts, but at least you're only $12-15. Holiday shopping really can be the pits.

New Jersey jail gets 'Shawshanked'

2007-12-19T12:12:00.000-05:00

Sooner or later the inevitable was bound to happen. Hollywood knew better than to produce films of prisoners breaking out of the big house. One popular movie in particular sure made a lasting impression on two New Jersey cellmates who pulled off a desperate escape practically identical to the one executed by Tim Robbin's character in 'Shawshank Redemption.' Instead of waiting around to screw over the warden by filing his taxes falsely the duo in New Jersey planned their breakout by digging holes in the walls then covering the spots with pictures of girls in bikinis. Then they crawled through the passageway, jumped from a roof, and scaled a 25-ft high fence to regain their freedom.

I bet the Union County jail in New Jersey regrets letting these two con-men charged with manslaughter, robbery, and other charges watch movies. The guards will probably get fired and are thinking, "those dummies laying in the cells sure looked like real people to me." These types of news stories don't come around that often. Who would actually believe this plan would work? Somehow they pulled it off! These two criminals must have also be packing wall chippings into their pants' pockets and emptying them outside. I guess theres an old friend of theirs still in the jail who's like in his 70's (like Morgan Freeman), been locked up for 40 years and wondering why the hell he didn't join them in the plan.

Now since prisons will be checking for the covered-up-holes-in-wall trick inmates will have to resort back to foaming at the mouth then having a partner shank guards to escape. Either that or they manage to get someone to smuggle a handgun in a baked cake like in the old days. I wonder if other prisoners tried the 'Shawshank' tactic and no one leaked the story because of the embarrassment or the fact their jobs were on the line. If the wardens or guards had fraudulent business going on linked to them and the Feds showed up I suppose they too would lock themselves in their office then blow their brains out. However, that was just a "MOVIE" and would never happen, could it?

David Hasselhoff in his prime, the action-adventure days are over

2007-12-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

Seeing David Hasselhoff sprint onto a beach with no regrets and save drowning victims in an ocean was a sight to behold. He used to be in such great shape and made quite a name for himself on the hit TV show, Baywatch. Grabbing a life preserver, rushing off to rescue swimmers or stop a beach bandit from running off with an old lady's purse was all in a day's work for the incomparable Mitch Buchanan. He seemed to get a kick out of being the head life guard (as well as checking out the scantily-clad babes surrounding him all the time). Unfortunately, those glory days are over.

Putting the whole drunk video aside the veteran actor has got old and let himself go. If he attempted to run on the beach now and save someone he might break his hip or worse his spleen. Hasselhoff just became way too old to be a lifeguard. Next to Pamela Anderson then and now he would still be non-existent to viewers. Fighting off thieves and drug dealers probably wouldn't rule in his favor either. One way or another he'd end up getting the crap beat out of him. Forget about him being fast on his feet too. His slow reaction would result in absorbing most of the punishment.

I never watched Hasselhoff in the show, Night Rider, but his early career helped make him a likable TV personality. He always looked to be in control of a situation and who could forget that impressionable laugh. The idea of him being director or producer of Baywatch in the final season amuses me. He could have very easily decided to make himself a hero by jumping through a burning building to save a group of children while throughout the episode having all the female lifeguards seduce him by removing their tops in the back room of the beach station headquarters. What a splash that would have made to close out the show!

Annoying holiday Cell phone chimes

2007-12-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

As if there weren't enough irritating, monotonous songs blasted in stores during the holiday season people want to be go the extra mile to be public nuisances and go around places with their cellphones playing Christmas jingles. Is it necessary to bug the shit out of everyone and ruin an already horrid shopping experience by allowing this crap to play? These obstructors of the peace also like let the song play for a good minute before answering the damn cellphone. These individuals need to stay the hell out of malls and department stores if they refuse to turn the jingle ringtones off.

Being bombarded with enough intercom holiday lyrics is enough to give anyone a migraine headache or a sudden urge to run a muck in a store and knock over displays. Shoppers are whipped into a frenzy enough as it is and just trying to find an exit is a personal challenge. Plowing past the herds of loafers, heifers, and skeezers could take hours if all visible passageways appeared to be blocked. The sound of "Jingle Bells" or "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" beeping from a cellphone or pager needs to be toned down so wipe that nerve-racking noise off your damn playlists shoppers and idiots.

Holiday shopping on the brink of insanity!

2007-12-07T14:54:00.000-05:00

I like to think it's a good rule of thumb to avoid shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Sales are abundant in stores, but to me it's not worth waiting in line at 4 or 5 a.m. to buy crap. I'd much rather sleeping at home, where it's warm and safe. The whole purpose of Christmas has vanished for rabid shoppers who tear through front doors and escalators with reckless abandon. Watching these 'shopping to the extreme' videos recently has made me even more reluctant to join in with the holiday shopping experience. Seeing people mauled and trampled on the floor like bugs for others to get their hands on the latest bargain plasma TVs or laptops is insane.

I remember when it was perfectly okay to walk into a department store or mall and not run the risk of a leg injury. I'm sure the real hasty shoppers will even resort to biting if you get your hands on an item they want. These chaotic fights in stores can't be good for business. Onlookers will see the ensuing out control action going down and will turn around and say, "Forget this shit, I'm outta here!"

What is really amazing is that these crazed bargain hunters who wait in line don't certain items on sale have limited quantities to like 50 or less. Do they all actually think they stand a chance? With a herd comes crashing through the front doors it pretty much becomes an "everything goes" environment where the use of brass-knucks, a tire iron, or box cutter isn't out of the ordinary. Store security can't get such bedlam under control. After a few minutes of intense shopping display racks are knocked over, jewelry showcases are busted, and serious injuries are piling up.

This obsession with one-day only sales or midnight madness specials is ruining the holidays. Traffic is the worst too. Sometimes it takes 30 minutes to an hour to get out of the parking lot. Forget about finding a space available. You can rest assure another driver will challenge you for it even if this means plowing through a row of cars. I've said the hell with all the shopping nonsense. People can have their cheap-ass plastic toys, useless novelty items, over marketed electronics, and all other crap which will later be swapped in the store or sold on Ebay. America, give it a freaking rest with the holiday shopping frenzy!

Hot celeb J Love can ignore "fat" pics absurdity

2007-12-05T11:57:00.000-05:00

I know female celebrities are normally scrutinized all the time for either being too skinny or fat. Changes in weight occurs sometimes whether people like it or not. In Hollywood looks mean everything to the general population who can't seem to do without face lifts, boob jobs, liposuction, rhinoplasty, butt cheek implants, you name it. They think they can't feel good about themselves without plastic surgery. The idea of diet and exercise is out of the question.

Having the utter ignorance to claim someone such as Jennifer Love Hewitt is fat is ignorant as hell. There are plenty of famous fat asses to scout, but she isn't one of them. The Papparrazi must be desperate if they feel the need to make up a ludricious claim. They must not have caught Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie doing anything stupid for a while (It's only a short while before it happens again).

If these lazy, peeping-toms ever wanted proof of lard butts instead of looking at celebs on the beach through their sleazy binoculars (I'd definitely be checking out J Love on the beach in a bikini) they could drive to a steak restaurant or low-rate strip club. They'd have a ton of targets to pick from at these places. Jen doesn't need to waste her time being concerned with this recent BS exploit of herself on the beach. She's got nothing to be ashamed of at all with that hot body! If I was her I'd make an earnest effort to wear short mid-drift T-shirts which read on the front, "Check out these twin shakers" and on the back it will display, "Like it or not I got one sweet ass!"

That is one sure way to set the record set. There is nothing wrong with showing how proud you are of your body. Now if a person is not trim and in as good as shape as J Love then they need to stop letting it all hang out and encourage people to look at them and become repulsed. Celebrities never cease to be criticized even when they do nothing wrong. It's only a way to make money off a story real or exaggerated. The Papparrazi will now go back to spying on Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. I guess in their line of business they get used to be 'flipped the bird'. They can expect more of the same in months to come.

Bringing back the Grizzly Adams look

2007-12-01T18:05:00.000-05:00

For a while guys, specifically old scholars used to let their beards and mustaches grow out. I don't see much of that anymore (probably because food gets stuck in the thick patches and a person doesn't realize it until someone else tells them). All men want to do is sport goatees and long thin sideburns. With winter and Christmas right around the corner it's a good time to let it all the hair spurt out. Full, whiskery beards are the ticket. I'm sure extra Santas will be needed around the holidays at shopping malls and having such a classic fatherly beard ensures such a seasonal job position.

Sure the some of the homeless will have the scraggy look, but it's more appealing to see the Grizzly, rugged fine-combed beard. The trimmed patchy beards old guys have make kids want to ask them a quesiton about history. Such inquiries could entail an experience a veteran had in Vietnam or a case of malaria he contacted on a International archaeologist dig in Peru where the best source of food available in the wilderness was goat meat. From my recollection from studies in the history books all the great theologians had full beards. The thought of a modern-day man acting like a university scholar or professor while at a Barnes and Noble, spouting off quotes from historic figures like Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, and Ernest Hemingway seems amusing to me.

Having all religious groups get in the act of growing thick beards, wearing holiday stocking caps can create confusion among families not being able to recognize their relatives. Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa would never the same again. It may also cause too many problems with robberies to spring up, especially in liquor stores. Police wouldn't be able to tell much difference in culprits, given ski masks are already covering their eyes and photo IDs show all suspects are clean shaven. It would be odd to see a bunch of Grizzly Adam characters walking around during the holidays, but a good way to lose unwanted company in a crowd.

Bad Business slogan

2007-11-28T13:48:00.000-05:00

Many modern businesses who have a loyal following of customers for years don't want to create a slogan or tagline which gives them a bad image. Such would be with a line like, "In business for 25 years and screwing people over for 20. We guarantee you'll be satisfied on your second visit." That doesn't convey a sense of trust whatsoever. I can only imagine enraged shoppers' reaction when they hear a slogan like this especially around Christmas.

When those days at the office are too much to bear

2007-11-24T14:21:00.000-05:00

I don't know anyone who can sit in a cubicle day after day without a nagging problem or hindrance irritating them. A computer may not be responding, a keyboard is locked up, or a printer seems to always be jammed. Whatever the nuisance is refraining from 'flying off the handle' is tough not to do. Being constantly badgered by the boss can lead to an employee telling him or her to take a f**king leap out the window or take their memo and shove up their ass! With tension at an all-time it's only a matter of time before employees reach their boiling point.

If you want to see people pissed off on the job who can't take anymore than check out this video. This is some of the funniest office outbursts I've ever seen. I used to have the urge to toss a computer out a window back in school, but not on the job. Employers look forward to the weekends more than the employees after dealing with all these crazy incidents at the workplace. I bet the pink slips come out in a hurry as employees are told to pack up and leave.

Going ballistic on the job are more common than ever. People get fed up with crap, have all their frustration and anger that it eventually surfaces when least expected. They vent and have to get it out of their system. Heaving a water cooler half-way across a room because an employee is having a bad day can alarm everyone, distracting them from the task at hand. I can imagine an employee being so mad that they throw a cup of coffee on a co-worker or their boss' lap.

Football League For Women Ex-Convicts: jokes

2007-11-19T13:43:00.000-05:00

I'm don't know why since there is a professional basketball league for women there has yet to be a football league started as well. With the tough women in prison or former inmates I can see organized teams being formed as women are playing pretty much every other sport these days. The competition would be fierce and real entertaining. Just imagine a broadcaster calling the opening of a game and how the rules will be almost identical to the NFL.

-The name of a team will be mistaken with the appearance of players such as, "The Buffalos take the field, gearing up for a big game today. I'm sorry, that is incorrect it's the Florida State Penitentiary Clobbers. Judging from the distance in the press box it's hard not to think this team resembles a herd of buffalos, rumbling onto the field with a mean gleam in their eyes."

- The new WFL will instill policies where refs check players' uniforms for weapons. The league is taking no chances with players using shanks, handguns, or brass knuckles. They feel confident this will cut down on injuries and out of control fights significantly.

A new drink to get you wasted this holiday season

2007-11-16T14:26:00.000-05:00

Right when Thanksgiving is rolling around and with over a month before Christmas leave it to marketers to come up with new crap refreshments. As if the ABC store wasn't enough to quench your thirst now a exclusive brand of soft drinks are available. Produced by Jones Soda Co. based out of Seattle, Washington a Christmas pack selection is offered which contain the most disgusting flavors known to man. Such include: Christmas Ham, Christmas Tree (what the hell), Sugar Plum. and Egg Nog. This product line isn't up my alley at all.

Not to leave Jews out, this company offers a variety package which they claim to be 'kosher' and are caffeine free. To kick off Thanksgiving, Jones Soda Co. is marketing a chain of products specially for the holiday. I know they're just trying to cater to fat, lazy Americans, but flavors like Sweet Potato and Turkey and Gravy, who came up with this brain-dead idea? Just imagine the awful taste! I know Americans like foods cram together for their convenience yet this is going overboard.

Eventually people will injecting foods and liquids into their bodies during the holidays and not even have to use their hands to eat. With this product promotion I understand part of the proceeds will go to charity, but who is actually going to buy this nasty crap?? If traditional families are so lazy or 'on the go' they can't sit down and enjoy a home-cooked meal that they have to resort to drinking flavored 'dinner roll' and 'gravy' sodas' they have screwed up priorities or issues in their life.

Just wait until a customer get salmonella, food poisoning, or gangrene from drinking these sodas. The media will lose their minds with the story and then they rant about how another disease breakout has hit the nation. Holiday shoppers will be smart to stay away from this odd product line. The important thing is just concentrate on buying the usual popular gifts and make it out the shopping malls without being knocked over the head and being robbed.

Couch potatoes fret over TV reruns, blame writers strike.

2007-11-13T18:31:00.000-05:00

Across the U.S. there is a void due to lack of TV entertainment. The national writers strike had put quite a damper on enjoying a typical evening of wallowing on the couch. Avid yet lazy TV show fans have the option of viewing the latest DVD movies as substitutes for quality TV programming. Forget about watching new episodes of The Office, Desperate Housewives, 30 Rock, House, or the Late Night talk shows. Overtly Obese Americans can't get their entertainment fill while cramming their faces with donuts and potato chips. They realize after turning on the tube only to find the same annoying reruns that the writers of America (WGA East and West) have got them by the balls.

Until they receive fair and ample pay the writers plan to remain on strike. I'm not sure if the news writers will join in with the effort, but if they do at least viewers can deal with less depressing and boring news. One can assume however, if a breaking story develops some douchebag such as Geraldo Rivera will be on the scene. I don't see what the big deal is about the new episodes for most TV shows not airing. They're not like the older, more classic shows. Besides the popular shows, Nip/Tuck and The Office there isn't much else worth watching so couch potatoes need to stop complaining.

Today it seems like people have to have it all. What's wrong with watching the real engaging and amusing classic 80's and 90's shows, Married with Children, The Wonder Years, Family Matters, Beverly Hills 90210, MacGvyer, Baywatch, In Living Color, etc. Sure these are shows I enjoyed and are not everyone's favorites, but there was a reason they had such long runs. People simply don't tune in to watch crap unless it's some stupid yet popular teenage-oriented MTV show. I believe all the fatties and whiners at home laying on their sofas have plenty of choices, but are busy munching on candy bars and hot pockets to realize it. They can take their mind off this season's fall TV lineup until the strike the is over by going to the gym.

O.J. stunned in courtroom, plans on taking cronies down with him

2007-11-09T15:12:00.000-05:00

I've never seen such a selfish man with no regard for anyone else in all my life. O.J. Simpson is willing to risk everything as him and his lawyers contemplate how the hell he's going to get out of this mess. Slick-talking Johnny Cockrein is unavailable (or knew this case would be a long shot and didn't want to be bothered). The Plea bargaining by O.J.'s two partners has got to make him furious, whether he shows it or not. Deep down the former football star wants to get them alone and shoot their dumb asses for not using the guns he told them to bring to the Las Vegas suite to begin with.

Allowing other bits of distraction to get in the way is effecting the progress of this trial already. This whole deal with the Goldmans and the fake Rolex (O.J. probably had duplicated from the real watch as a crummy rip-off version) and books is not revelant to charges against Simpson. He was trying to retrieve his stolen memorabilia collection. That should be the main focus and those tapes released. I've got to think when prosecutors listen to those tapes and hear any mention of the word 'murder' or 'kill' it's all over for O.J. Knowing him and his legal team, the lawyers will claim it's a dubbed version with words added by the defendant.

It's a shame for anyone who has personal possessions especially of high value stolen. However, conducting your own 'sting' operation to retrieve the items isn't usually the best solution. Instead O.J. should've gave these collectors negative publicity then hired a Mafia hitman to track them down and beat the crap of them. Oh, that's right I guess it's not a worthwhile intervention unless it involves running a risk to murder someone! I think it's striking as O.J. played a cop in the Naked Gun movies and now can't keep police off his ass. That's one hell of a role reversal he probably thought he'd never live to see.

I can only imagine the money O.J. is shelling out for his trial in Las Vegas. Apparently, the adage, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" doesn't hold true in this case because everyone knows about it thanks to the news networks. It's only a matter of time before O.J. really goes off the deep end and snaps. When he does, the yelling in the recent audio tapes (Get my sh*t!) will fail in comparison to his new outburst. This recording will have every other word bleeped and with no telling how many gunshots.

Being obese good for one's health?

2007-11-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

I've heard some tales in the news in the last couple of years, but this one beats them all. CNN reports claim being obese is good for Americans' health. Sure it is, the same goes for being a bloated pig after Thanksgiving and having a cardiac arrest because of a overflow of gravy and ham hocks clogged up in a fat person's throat. I guess if the health nuts were worried about lack of fitness and diet they can forget about it now! Who in the blue hell comes up with this 'being obese doesn't have such a bad effect on your health' garbage?

Scientists should be more concerned about finding cures for cancer and diseases rather than trying to brainwash fatties into thinking like can continue to eat like hogs without regrets and still maintain an above average life expectancy. I'm not surprised the bozos at CNN aired this bogus report. They're the ones who jumped and hollered about the West Nile Virus spreading across the U.S. and how the ozone layer is going to kill us all. It's scare tactics and sorry excuses for reporting real news because they're too lazy to do their jobs right.

Telling obese people they're at a less risk of having heart problems, Parkinson's, cataracts, or whatever is plain idiotic. They could still die after eating a buffet, getting stuck in an elevator or plane because their weight caused it to crash. Having a heart attack right in the middle of eating a thick, juicy ribeye steak could also be a cause of death. News networks like CNN are only encouraging the obese to take greater risks with their life and die younger. I also don't want to hear about how donuts especially chocolate-flavored are good for your blood flow. There is several reasons why Dunkin' Donuts shops have closed down and it has more to do with than police officers dropping by every hour of the day.

Colbert shafted in Presidential bid, South Carolina could've made history

2007-11-01T16:45:00.000-04:00

Too many people have their concentration locked on Senator Hillary Clinton and Mr. Obama. I don't think it there two top candidates on standing on equal because Comedy Central show, the Colbert Report host Stephen Colbert had officially announced his insertion into the race for President, but was denied entry on the South Carolina ballot by the state's Democrats. This guy really has no experience whatsoever in public office, but he talks a good game and knows what the American people want: truthiness! Hillary and Obama now have more to worry about than swaying the voters' decisions.

For the life of me I don't know why Joe Bidden, John Edwards, Dennis Kuicinisch, that middle-aged Mexican guy, and those other clowns are still running. Do they actual think Americans give a hill of beans about their alleged plans and ideas for this great nation? These bunch of misfits might as well stick a fork in it and call it quits. At least with Colbert he will give it to us straight and not sugarcoat anything. Plus he says he doesn't see color so everyone will be treated the same in his eyes.

South Carolina Democrats made a bad decision by refusing to allow Colbert to be on the ballot. The state committee voted quite unfavorable against him. I'm sure these folks will live to regret it. I don't care what the committee decided Colbert should still campaign in his hometown and throughout SC, using billboards, a tour bus, public appearances, and a megaphone to get his points across. Members of the Senate and House of Representatives may ignore the conservative Talk Show host, but the American people will support him. Damn those who don't believe in the eagle and one nation under God, indivisible with justice and truthiness!!

Arnold Schwarzeneggar's conception of marijuana

2007-10-29T15:43:00.000-04:00

California governor, Arnold Schwarzeneggar has seemed to take his role in government lightly. His influence impacts thousands of lives. When he goes around making comments, whether kidding or not about marijuana not being a drug it become serious business. Throwing the idea out there like that sure doesn't help steroid users either. I do believe if Arnold claimed while being interviewed by the media that drinking a cup of kerosene a day is good for your body then idiots would do it. For an Austrian-born, former body builder people are doing good if they can understand anything which comes out of the action movie star's mouth, especially if it's advice.

I would hate to have Arnold as a Driver's instructor or a flight instructor. With either one there is a good chance of having a crash. Obviously, people can't take everything he says with a grain of salt because half the time he doesn't even know what the hell he's talking about during his speeches. Him acting like marijuana is legal in the U.S. can only lead to more arrests and problems in drug raids in California as well as the rest of the country. I think Arnold should stick with cinema acting and the occasional charity function otherwise he might have some contrived dirty laundry aired about him smoking pot back in college or distributing it to a bunch of underage teenagers a year ago.

Eventually if Arnold keeps making such ridiculous comments out in public the foreign drug smuggling rate will manifest 10 times the current rate and California will be so congested with Mexicans, Latinos, and Italians that McDonalds and Wal-marts won't be able to accompany the space for it's customers. Plus more 18-wheeler trucks will be showing up on the side of streets and drug distribution networks intensifying to the point where no one can walk in public without being suspected of dealing drugs. Then if Arnold announces that PCP is considered a health remedy San Diego and Los Angeles will be crawling with a slew of delusional nutcases scattering the streets high on the time and speaking gibberish.

Clay Aiken Broadway Bound...it don't get no gayer than that.

2007-10-17T14:04:00.000-04:00

There is no denying it now, after all the auditions and performances starting on American Idol, Clay Aiken has made it clear what he's all about. Not bothering to hide his true self Aiken has agreed to begin a stint on Broadway, playing a girlish character with a high-pitched voice in the upcoming Monty Python play Spamalot. I guess there is no need to conceal his sexuality anymore (when it's been so obvious). Instead of being heart warmed with a dozen pink roses he'll be hit with a series of jockstraps on stage by a group of eager young men.

Now all that needs to be added to this series of Broadway productions is Elton John. A love affair on stage between the two in between sonnets ought to do the trick and put the audience in an uproar. Yes, that Clay Aiken has made quite a name for himself onstage and off (theres no telling what action has took place behind closed dressing rooms doors). At least the young singer is doing what he most enjoys and you can't fault him for that. I'm not big on musicals though I like plays and I'm sure Clay will help make this Broadway run gayer than ever!

Whatever happened to Piggly Wiggly stores?

2007-10-14T22:44:00.000-04:00

The last time I saw a Piggly Wiggly Store was in Virginia Beach about 7 or 8 years ago. Talking about being smack dab in the middle of the beachfront, there it would be still still doing business no matter how run down it became. I guess the grocery chain took the place over Krogers and Harris Teeters (another chain few and far between). It was a convenience grocery store, but it never quite lived up to it's name. A first time shopper may get the impression that pig feet and tenderloins are the main meat item while everything else available there is substandard. I can only imagine walking in and seeing a row of fat, plump pigs hanging up by their feet in the butcher's room near the meat section. Chitlins weren't readily available as I recall nor were cow tongues.

Hearing a news report about an incident at the the renowned grocery chain was always amusing. Most of the time nothing too serious ever happened, but when it bared repeating.
"This afternoon in a high speed chase local police apprehended a 28-year-old man driving recklessly in a 1992 Ford Thunderbird. The officers on call were able to catch the man when his vehicle ran into the side of a Piggly Wiggly on Hampton Avenue. No one was hurt and a store manager had said this was the 5th occurrence in the past 3 weeks involving damage to the building."

I can't see a big-time robbery taking place at a Piggly Wiggly. Having a culprit demand to have nothing but meat filled to the top of a grocery cart couldn't be took seriously either. Trying to run out of the place with ham hocks, pork loins, stuffed pigs, and fatty tenderloins is damn near impossible. By the time robbers got out the front door the police have arrived, armed and ready to shoot. "Drop the pigs or we'll shoot. Empty your pockets too.", the police would yell. Just hearing someone mention 'Piggly Wiggly' is funny to me especially when has something to do with them stealing a bunch of extra grocery bags from there.

The New Heartbreak Kid

2007-10-05T14:02:00.000-04:00

So yet another one of the old play classics is being remade. When will Hollywood learn to come up with clever ideas instead of rehashing the same, uninspiring garb---wait a minute Ben Stiller is starring in this Neil Simon reproduced originial. Well, it's already worth the price of admission and is sure to be entertaining. I just hope the producers and director didn't all-together butcher Mr. Simon's originial script. That's right it's Hollywood...of course they did. I look forward to seeing the movie, being a big Neil Simon fan for several years now (liked his style of humor when in high school theater I took on the role as Ernie in the play Rumors).

Whether it's in Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers, Theres Something About Mary, Zoolander, Envy, or Along Came Polly this Stiller guy is always willing to put himself in awkward, uncomfortable sometimes truly embarrassing scenes which turn out to be hilarious. Such slapstick and predicaments include:

-being in a bathroom with a window open and getting his pant's zipper stuck on on his manhood.

-going fishing only to have a hook snag him in the mouth.

-spray painting a cat's tail to make it look like the lost family cat in order to be redeemed by his girlfriend's parents.

-meeting up with an old highschool flame he agrees to have dinner with at a Greek restaurant causing his irritable bowels to act up.

-getting sold on an invention which evaporates dog poop yet kills off most of the animal population.

-hiding his real occupation (male nurse) so his in-laws won't laugh at him

-challenging a modeling foe to a silly dance off

-being a germaphobe with it comes to touching unclean things, dropping food on the ground then eating it or having someone else's sweat rubbed off on him during a pickup basketball game.

A movie audience can relate to most of these humilating situations and see the humor in it. Also in the Heartkid is Ben's father, Jerry Stiller who does indeed play his Dad. Comedian Carlos Mencia also appears as a supporting cast member. This whole project is wrapped around comedy with the Farrelly Brothers as producers. They always throw up wacky sometimes crude humor though aligned with a specific meaning or special purpose. Ben Stiller always cracks me up and I can't wait to see this remake.

Midgets at amusement parks

2007-10-02T20:48:00.000-04:00

Recently I went to an amusement park and experienced more than my share of roller coaster rides. As a kid going on most rides at Paramount's King Dominion didn't bother me. Now as an adult it seems rough jerks and twists really make me dizzy and aggravate my stomach. When I was younger I remember the signs at each ride's front entrance showing how tall a person had to be in order to meet the requirements to ride. That got me to thinking about what would happen if midgets came to the amusement parks in van loads.

Knowing they'd surely be turned away from being allowed on most rides a plan must be in order to meet the set height standards. It would appear odd seeing a bunch of child-like groups waddling around the park in overcoats or large sweatshirts as one midget would stand on the other's shoulders. Other patrons and park employees would also be real suspicious of them if they wore one shoe which was bigger than the other.

Usually I'd worry about real heavyset individuals fitting in tight, narrow compartments, but with two small patrons next to each other on a fast roller coaster there is a great chance of them being flung from their seats. Injuries would pile up in a hurry too. Then an onslaught of lawsuits cause the park to shut down.

Maybe a Kiddie Park is the best solution for midgets. Give them a Ferris Wheel, bumper car rides, a haunted house or two with convenient restrooms with short enough stalls and water fountains for them to reach without having to climb onto a platform. I feel that would delight this group of people. Giving them water rides as an add-on attraction is probably a bad idea because once they come flying off an intertube or worst yet a log cabin then hit the water they could drown.

Having life perservers handy still won't help much if they never reach the top of water. Midgets deserve to have fun too, but I have yet to spot one at an amusement park. If I ever do watching the expression on their faces as they're informed they fail to meet the height requirements on rides will be priceless.

Today's joke: American Lifestyle

2007-09-29T14:12:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how American culture is so aimed at weight loss programs for healthy living yet as a whole population damn near 90% or more of us are obese. Instead of diet and fitness, fat ass lazy Americans who are rich rely on liposuction as an alternative. This way rather than burn off weight from eating pringles and donuts they have the coggage sucked out. The overall operation cost becomes even steeper when the lard from their cottage cheese thighs are drained too.

My trip to New York City

2007-09-26T14:27:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I ventured outside of the small city where I live to go on a group bus trip to New York. First of all, it was a great experience and everything I thought it would be except for the excessive pedestrian and traffic congestion (especially in Times Square). One thing that disappointed me though were the lack of street performers around Uptown and Mid-town. Sure there were plenty of scam artists lurking on the streets yet my taste for oddball street entertainers wasn't satisfied. Someone within our bus group witnessed the antics of the 'Naked Cowboy.' So the guy stands around playing music in only his underwear, what's the big deal?

Strolling through Central Park on a guided tour I did spot a typical blues singer strumming away on his guitar with a tip jar beside him. I imagined words of sorrow and grief would fill the air. Much to my dismay no lyrics were forthcoming as packs of New Yorkers and tourists flooded the area while others slept on park benches without a care in the world (no need to worry about being robbed if you're flat broke I suppose). Visiting China Town and Little Italy reminded me of a vast open air flea market with little breathing room. The Chinese stayed busy and relied on tourism to sell souvenirs and knick knacks as the grocery markets provided a nice whiff of raw fish, oysters, and lobsters.

In shopping experiences I noticed how adamant the Chinese felt about their merchandise for sales, displaying such signs as, "You break it you buy it" and "No try on you buy." I actually witnessed an old Chinese man catch a shoplifter and mention something about this being New York and to the trained eye anyone in a crowd looked like a thief. He wasn't taking any chances and was absolutely right. I made a personal effort not to put my wallet in my back pocket or even carry it with me. Southstreet Seaport was one of my favorite stops. Behind the harbor I got a great view of the Manhattan Skyline and the Brooklyn Bridge. I of course took advantage of the photo op (have yet to develop pictures). The Seaport featured a mini mall inside with around 40 restaurants and over 50 shops. A food court was on the third floor, which was congested with Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Sub, and Steak restaurants. Walking by all of the choices a young Chinese boy yelled, "Try this, yummy yummy chicken. Get it now!" I ended up eating Chinese anyway with my Dad. Nothing appeared special in the gift and retail shops. Just average clothing, electronics, and souvenirs.

Other stops we made included the Rockefeller Plaza, St. Patrick's Cathedral, Broadway, and the Statue of Liberty on Liberty Island as we rode by the Empire State Building, the UN Building, Ground Zero, Trump Tower, Park Avenue (where the Sex and City movie was being filmed at that moment), and Madison Square Garden. Times Square proved to be another great attraction. Dealing with all the taxi drivers, overflow of pedestrians, and storefront promoters made things quite challenging. Then the rain fell Saturday afternoon and as if in a whirl wind umbrella street vendors came out of the woodwork. I knew bypassing these goons would be smart as I saw others make the mistake of buying these cheap umbrellas which had a hard time closing and staying intact against the short downpour. McDonalds seemed to be the nearest place to run for cover and get an affordable meal. I was shocked to find a double cheeseburger only costs $1.50. I also decided to try a fat slice of pizza at a place I think called Famagilia Pizzeria.

I didn't get to walk by several intended sites such as the buildings for ESPN Zone, Fox News, NBC Live Video, McGraw Hill, Viacom which owns the E! channel. I did get to run in the Virgin Records store, HardRock Cafe, Nasdaq Media Center, an electronics store, bookshop, and some random porn shop by mistake. All in all it was a fun trip and nobody as far I know got shot or stabbed. Not bad for being in the heart of the Big Apple. Next time I'll try to get myself on the live camera along the street and get close to a celebrity walking between West 42th Street and 5th Avenue in attempt for unnecessary publicity exposure.

The O.J. saga resumed...seems too good to be true!

2007-09-19T16:02:00.000-04:00

Former football star O.J. "Murder" Simpson has shocked the nation again with another alleged series of crimes (finally nailed him). Being out of the spotlight for so long had many faithful O.J. viewers and haters worried, what happened to the guy who lead police on a slow-speed chase in a Ford Bronco then got off clean as a whistle in court in 1995 then resurfaced his name on a book, entitled "If I Did It" (instead of the appropriate, "How My Rich Ass Got Away With Murder")?

Now a chain of events has unfolded in Las Vegas linked to burglaries this past week with actual audio footage of O.J. and collaborators yelling obscenities at cashiers in a sports memorabilia shop and demanding money. Plus he's apart of a kidnapping charge as well. I tell ya O.J. went all out on this one and made sure he'd get guaranteed national publicity and exposure (much like in 1995 it wasn't good). Apparently, more evidence is needed in this pending case as O.J. was at first not set for bail, but got released on $125,000 bond today (that lucky SOB always finds a way out, damn justice system). Did the money come from one of his storage facilities or secret safes? Who knows really, all that matters is he's going to be on the loose again.

How O.J. got tangled up into this sports memorabilia business is unknown to me. I don't know the whole story. He claims sports memorabilia of his was stolen and he's was conducting a "sting" operation in Las Vegas in attempts to retrieve it. If what he means by sting is what I think he does then a group of these memorabilia sellers are in for a beating or in the angry former football player's perspective, a "Multi-body-bagging murdering". I hate to say it, but that looks like what's going to happen. This time however, stained black gloves won't be used or come into the picture just shift, hard blows to the back of heads at designated angles and possibly....smoldering irons directed toward the face.

To me it's ridiculous how every time 'alleged incidents' arise involving him he does his best acting to divert everyone's attention by covering up with another scheme for prolonged distraction. Why doesn't he come to grips with reality and admit he's guilty of a crime before leaping from a 5-story hotel to evade police. Then if he actually lives he can attest to being shoved to his intended death by some mystery assailant rather than attempting suicide. See these are the type of events which make for one hell of an entertaining few weeks (maybe months) of TV news. It may even top the duck and run long slow-speed chase of 1995. Just to make it more dramatic and suspenseful O.J. can squirt ketchup on the roof of the building as if he got stabbed. This very well could work like a charm for him.

Pregnant female singers jiggling their bodies on stage

2007-09-11T12:45:00.000-04:00

Much discussion and controversy surrounded the recent VMAs aired on MTV. When popular celebrities take to the stage and perform the gossipers will always put in their 2 cents worth. So Britney danced around half-naked on stage and has put on a few pounds...big freaking deal! It's not like she had an accident on stage and knocked over all the stereo speakers and equipment. Besides she was just pregnant. Hello, it's natural for women to look a little extra plump or bloated after giving birth or expecting another child.

The media and crazed fanatics out there are too focused on the Pop singer, whether she is driving a car with her child on her lap or not wearing any underwear (hey, sometimes people are in a rush and free style it, that's their choice). I bet if another famous singer or entertainer performed at an awards show such as Madonna or Sheryl Crow dressed in nothing other than a G-String, a top, and cowboy boots critics wouldn't give it a second thought. Of course they would garner extra attention from the event.

Let Britney be entertainment world, she's going to make mistakes and have slip ups, we all do (well, even the occasional nip slip happens to the most classy ladies and sometimes overweight guys). People need not to worry about her so much except for her family and just take the spotlight off her for once. I'm sure the media can find something stupid Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie did this week or last to get their dirty, exclusive story. I say if Britney Spears is proud to show her jiggly belly while dancing to seductive music then everyone ought to accept that. Because they may be disappointed and surprised next time if she goes in labor in the middle of a concert and it's cut short.

'Mad Hatter' bank robber busted in New Jersey

2007-08-28T15:24:00.000-04:00

I guess bank robberies are still the way to go for desperate criminals. Sure I've contemplated the idea, but it would never work for me. For one I'm not quick enough and my mannerisms are normally dead giveaways. For one risk-taking New Jersey man such plans to rob banks were successful until this week, the thief self-proclaimed as the 'Mad Hatter' ran off with $60,000 after robbing 18 banks in the northern part of the state. The dubbed name was derived from him wearing various hats during his crime spree. Well, it's good to know if didn't carry around a chainsaw around with him and get the nickname, "Chainsaw Charlie."

This guy who lived near Newark apparently had his share of financial problems and a history of violence. He served 20 years in prison for murdering his girlfriend then got sent to a half-way house. Gee, I wonder how tame that place was considering how the loonies in places like that are locked up in white-walled rooms. The demented psychopath actually complained about having to pay bills after receiving a job as a machinist, which paid over $40,000 a year.

First of all, how in the hell did he get a job that soon? Background checks must mean nothing these days. HELLO, HE COMMITTED MURDER! Damn, B.S. New Jersey laws! I sure wouldn't feel comfortable or safe with a person like him around the workplace. Providing equipment and various sharp weapons in a workshop wouldn't help the matter either. You never know when he might have the urge to get his hands on a soldering iron or blow torch and vent his rage. Everyday would be a good day to call in sick.

What I can't fathom is how the robber can casually mention how expensive his bills and rent were like he had no other choice than to hold up banks. Then he talks about the high expense of repair for his 'new' girlfriend's car and that he had late payments due. That's his reason for robbing the Bank of America in July. Other than murder and stealing, 'The Mad Hatter' has no other bad habits like drinking or gambling. That's always a plus, right? I suppose he was being honest about why he robbed all these banks yet it seems like a guy his size should've been easy to spot and arrested much sooner. In 10-20 more years he'll back out of jail and robbing places blind claiming he needs the money for a kidney transplant or his so called 'retirement fund.'

The old MacGyver tactics: still amusing to witness today

2007-08-22T17:34:00.000-04:00

One TV show I was drawn to, which wasn't deemed a sitcom, but an action adventure was MacGyver. It aired in the mid 80's and run for about 7 or 8 seasons. I never get enough of those daring, death-defying scenarios MacGyver finds himself in all the time. Using everyday household supplies and nick-knacks he creates solutions while distracting villians.

One episode I remember is where he gets trapped in a chemist's lab with flowing acid eating away at the walls. MacGvyer then comes up with a brilliant idea. He gathers up candy bars from a broken vending machine and uses the chocolate to absorb the acid while setting off a helium tank in the corner to create an explosion through the wall.

It's amazing how he risks life and limb in every episode and has a short period of time to think about how to get out of a jam. The allotment of time though in the sequence of being trapped and executing a plan seemed to last for half the length of the episode. In reality, by that time he and everyone else held captive would be dead! When he starts using chewing gum to make a bomb or toothpicks as weapons to be used in a homemade dart gun it blows my mind! How can anyone pull such nonsense ideas off? This show, despite it's genre is one of my top 10 favorites of all-time.

Elvis sightings...will they EVER cease?

2007-08-18T16:03:00.000-04:00

The stories and memories of Elvis Presley will live forever. His classic songs and 60's style and on-stage gyrations are embodied in the history of the music industry. I know people are still obsessed with the 'King', but why do fans and other weirdoes keep insisted they've spotted him when he's been dead for over 30 years! Let it go people, he's gone so face the music....or reality. The slicked-back hair and blue-suede shoes era is over. All of his fan base and followers need to stop with these alleged sightings that serve as no more than lame publicity stunts.

What's with everyone wanting to impersonate Elvis and dress like him all the time too? Sure he was a icon and worldwide celebrity, although it's time to let him have his peace. Besides how many fat guys are see eating toasted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches anymore? Usually these dead-on impersonators and posers would settle to contest with health problems the normal American way...by having a heart attack after eating a monster thick burger or angus beef at any fine yet overpriced fast-food establishment. The legend of the 'King' will never fade and it would be nice if fans were content by just listening to his old records while donning the famous thick sideburns and drowning their sorrows in a pitcher beer.

Speeding tickets for first-time offenders

2007-08-10T13:52:00.000-04:00

Now more than ever U.S. police officers are cracking down on motorists exceeding the speed limit whether driving under the influence or not. Last week I made the unfortunate trek to a theater event in Virginia out-of-town and was late coming back home. Usually I pride myself on being a good driver and being safe. However, everyone tends to exceed the speed limit sometimes and they usually get away with it. I'm not saying it's okay to do so, but it just seems like police cruisers on patrol are no where to be found during the day (maybe cutting down on those donut breaks would help).

At night it's like police officers on patrol have nothing better to do than hide behind brushes and by trees off the highway. This routine of course is different varying from small to large cities. Anyway, I get pulled over around 1 a.m. for going around 70 mph in a 60 mph zone. Typically I stay within a few miles of the posted SL. This particular night I was driving uphill and didn't realize how fast my car jumped into a higher gear so I was just willing to accept my fate. Two officers get out of their patrol car and each separately start to give me the 5th degree about how fast I was going, where I had been and was headed, if I had been drinking or had drugs in the car....all that crap.

I was already tired (it was obvious) and was more than a little startled by their questions. They kept asking the same questions as if they really BELIEVED I was plastered. I've never sipped or consumed alcohol in my life (in 24 yrs.) and I must have looked so out of it these two cops thought I had. Reaching for a CD case in the car was a big mistake too. Quickly they wondered if I was trying to conceal something. This was getting to be crazy! I even offered to take a breath-a-lizer test to prove my unintoxication. Luckily after the mild interrogation I drove away with a $51.00 ticket. It could have been much worse. Thank God it wasn't!

What happened to Ralph Macchio?

2007-08-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

Do people still remember the original Karate Kid? Of course they do. Who could forget the impressionable impact he made on children around the world in the '90s with his short, slim stature and his knack for getting beat up by bullies and Tai Kwan Doe instructors. Everyone enjoyed his on-screen presence. That all changed after the Karate Kid for me. Seeing him in My Cousin Vinny was the least bit mesmerizing or entertaining.

Ralph Macchio just hasn't gotten the quality roles after his teenage years were over. I kind of liked him in the Outsiders. He don't see him as the 'greaser type' back in the '60s and '70s. He did well playing the pushover type who always manages to get the girl in the end. So Ralphie is an Italian-American...still can't picture him tossing pizzas or eating big bowls of spaghetti and meatballs, but hey maybe I'm wrong. The picture on his bio page though makes he look like Tony Danza's son.

The most recent films Macchio has been in haven't been anything that notable. In 2003, A Good Time Die was produced. What he should had been thinking before he committed to the project was that it was a good time to retire or change careers. Still I will never forget his memorable Karate Kid performances, especially in the first one where Mr. Miyagki made him wax cars in place of actual karate training. Man, what a lazy old cheapskate! That was a classic scene. I wish Ralph well in his future career endeavors and hope the 40-something actor catches a break again.

U.S. Attorney General makes term 'illegal alien' sound redundant

2007-07-30T13:15:00.000-04:00

Americans and most of the world have witnessed the stupefied antics of U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on TV in his talks with Congress. He claims he has no recollection of past events where government documents and legal papers were released. Also, this case of amnesia also must have caused him to forget about his heritage and ethnicity...as it just slipped his mind he's been getting off clean as an illegal alien. I know he has to be part Mexican and what was Bush saying about doing about the U.S. Mexico border? Oh that's right, pretending to enforce the law then think nothing of it while guards turn their backs and truck loads of illegal aliens do the high jump into the States.

Where is the trust with this Gonzales? We should accept everything which spews out of his mouth (and what he tries to cover up) no matter how incompetent he and the Bush Administration is every week. The new press secretary for the White House can only do so much lying for the group and will find it difficult to articulate their sentiments on how Dick Cheney has took away another heart transplant for his 10th operation in the past month.

The U.S. Attorney General better start considering the risks he's untaking because he'll be on his way out of the White House and deported by to his homeland (wherever that is...probably Mexico). Like most Americans I can't wait until the fall election. At this point a freaking sports mascot could run for President and I'd be okay with it rather than having Bush in office another year. The same goes for a reformed alcoholic. At least this way citizens can feel more confident that more than half of these new candidates will be functioning at all times.